Technically speaking, a “Pro Bowl Snub” is a player that has performed at a high level all season, but was not voted onto an all-star team that will eventually play in Orlando in front of an audience of about two hundred people. At least that’s what it feels like. I could be overestimating. Maybe three hundred on the years it’s in Honolulu.
The selections are comprised of a 1/3 fan vote, 1/3 player vote, and 1/3 coach vote. Because of the power of the fan vote, it essentially becomes a glorified popularity contest. As a former high school loser, I can tell you firsthand that popularity translates into absolutely nothing beyond those dim halls and dingy classrooms. In fact, 96.35% of those kids are now the ones I now look at on Facebook and think “yikes, rough” every time they post. It’s not exactly a contest you want to win.
You know when the Pro Bowl rosters have been announced — not because you’ve been on the edge of your seat, waiting months to find out — but because players and media members are losing their minds on Twitter. The majority of your timeline is filled with opinions on who has been “snubbed” of this “heralded” honor. Do you think Philip Rivers gives a black-tailed jackrabbit’s bottom about the eight Pro Bowls he’s been to? I’ve never played in the NFL, but if I had to make a guess, he’d throw those all away for a Super Bowl in a heartbeat. Like I said, no NFL experience. Could be wrong, so please don’t use that quote in any major publications (unless of course I get paid for it).
Amid the dramatic increase in player health awareness over the past few years (minus the whole CTE thing), the Pro Bowl has gotten even less exciting. Most players drop out due to or in fear of injury, to eventually be joined by those who are Super Bowl bound. You know, the Super Bowl, the only bowl with a smidgen of importance.
In the end, a majority of the “snubs” end up on the roster regardless. Now, they too have the opportunity to loaf around the field lackadaisically so that they don’t end up hurt either. It’s a thrill and a half.
The most riveting part of the entire saga is the joy obtained by simply reading the silly reactions to said “snubs” by those who have been strangely offended:
Since he’s a rookie, Darius Leonard is allowed a minuscule piece of slack, but it’s crucial to teach them young. “Heartbroken?!” No one died. Maybe focusing on the playoffs will cheer you up!
While Russell Wilson is probably in the playoffs, Aaron Rodgers will be couch-bound and alone (no one actually believes his relationship with Danica Patrick is real, right?). With any luck, he’ll have so much free time that he can finally craft a tweet to clap back at his brother. Couch tweeting is a top-tier time-waster, but something tells me he’d rather be Wilson.
Fortunately, Tre’Davious White, this has absolutely zero effect on the status of your #1 defense! It still exists! A bunch of fans were so bored at their 9-5 that they voted for their team’s players instead of you (I won’t pretend to be above this). And yet, your stats and performance have gone unaffected. Phew!
You know what people respect? Super Bowls.
In a wild twist of events, I am now heated over people getting heated over Pro Bowl snubs. Among all of the triggering snub tweets, I found one that summed it up best:
The best take, however, came from Instagram:
**Stay with me here!** While Cardinals-Raiders may sound even more snooze-inducing, the grand prize could turn it into a real death match that qualifies as must-see television. If anything, the Raiders fans would probably beat up the Cardinals fans in the parking lot. Maybe we could get a few cameras out there too. Just think about it, okay? And stop talking about snubs, even though I just used 680 words to talk about people talking about snubs. It’s different.