I Was Told To Leave My Super Bowl Party

…but not by anyone actually in attendance, of course. No one trying to host an enjoyable football-centric party would benefit from my absence.

Instead, I was instructed to hit the road by a group of the only humans I can really trust in this life — my random, but loyal friends on twitter that were adorably concerned about my ability to properly experience the Super Bowl last night after seeing some of the other guests’ comments that I was being subjected to. While I am forever appreciative of their kind sentiments, I stayed put for a multitude of reasons:

  1. I don’t have any other friends
  2. I was going to get the bang for my buck for the portion of the snacks that I paid for
  3. It was great twitter content
  4. I’m doing this thing in 2021 where I try not to judge people so much for things like their football knowledge
  5. I was hoping to blog about it the next day

Missions accomplished.

…Well, except for maybe #4. I kept my mouth shut, but it was tough to keep control of my twitter fingers at times. Can you blame me? Let’s flash back for a moment.

“I asked one of my (Orange Theory) classes today who they thought would win and they all just stared at me.” -Friend’s bf

“I get that they aren’t popular teams around here, but you’d think girls would at least be aware of Tom Brady.” -Me

“Not all of us…” -Friend

*Uncomfortable laughter*

*Five minutes before kickoff*

“I still don’t know who’s playing.” -Friend

*Made a conscious effort to unclench my fists*

*Two of my friends leave midway through the first quarter*

More buffalo chicken dip for me!

*Random Guy cheers for the Bucs*

“Did you bet on them too?” -Me

*Ten seconds of silence*

“…Y-y-yeah.” -Random Guy

The uncertainty left me a bit confused — it was if he did not want to be out-manned by a girl who had money on the game while he did not. It’s okay bud, I’m used to it.

“I can’t believe they can’t score when they’re on what, the 99-yard line?” -Random Guy’s gf

I’m beginning to squirm a bit in my place on the sofa.

“I’ll never understand why they try to push through the line when they have all that space to the outside.” -Random Guy

I wish I could report that this was the only time this comment was made.

“How can offsides lead to a first down? Do the Bucs get the ball back?” -Random Guy

At this point, the only thing keeping my head level was the fact that I was pretty sure I was going to win on Bucs ML.

“Why do these extra points look so much longer than usual? That looks like it’s over 30 yards.” -Random Guy

Ah, so he hasn’t watched a game in at least five years — it’s starting to make more sense now.

“Is this Mahomes’ second year in the league?” – Random Guy

…or maybe he’s only watched Super Bowls.

“Caroline are you tweeting? Caroline likes sports like guys do. You guys should follow her. She’s funny and people from Barstool Sports follow her.” -Friend

*Internally screaming because my two best tweets of the night were making fun of things that had been said at the party and I wasn’t about to miss out on twitter clout in fear that they would see them*

Luckily, I’m pretty sure no one had any idea what my friend was talking about and I came out unfollowed and unscathed. With any luck, the Eagles will be in the Super Bowl next season (lol), and I will make a triumphant return to Broad Street to watch with a few thousand like-minded (insane) individuals. Until then, I have at least a year to think about whether I will simply suck it up and turn next year’s experience into another blog.

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