Breaking news: 2020 was hard. Among all the real problems that the world endured last year, us fans of the Philadelphia Eagles were also subjected to watching Carson Wentz “play quarterback” for a third straight year post-ACL tear. One minute he’s on his way to a certain MVP award, the next he’s getting married, swiping that V card, and losing all of his powers. You hate to see it.
No really, you do — not even just in the sarcastic “you hate to see it” type of way. For once in my apathetic life, I truly did feel bad as I witnessed this fall from grace. It was as if seeing his prolific team achieve greatness with someone else at the helm mentally broke the man in half, never to be repaired. The thing is, though, I felt bad in 2018, when he went 5-6 as a starter. By the time he was on his way to a blistering 3-8-1 in the year of Satan 2020, I too, was beyond repair:
To compound matters further, along the way, the Eagles signed Wentz to a 4-year, $128 million extension with TWO WHOLE YEARS left on his current contract. Now, I’m not a numbers person (oh wait, fuck, I’m an accountant), so I don’t totally understand the nitty gritty details of this extension, but basically, it was stupid — both because of its structure and the fact that it was given to Carson Wentz.
Now, as we sit here in 2021, just a mere three years removed from the industrial-sized tubs of Crisco, broken light poles, and sweaty rubber dog masks, we know that Carson Wentz is not the answer. For the Eagles, or probably anyone else, and yet — the trade rumors have been flying. It has become more and more apparent that any day now, some bunch of suckers team is going to risk it all to take on Wentz and his massive pile of cash that has shockingly not been set on fire by the Eagles yet. At least, that’s what the Eagles want us to think.
I hate to rip on Wentz like this, I really do. He seems like a nice enough guy (as if suddenly I’m an excellent judge of mens’ character), and let’s be honest — Eagles GM Howie Roseman is more like a thorn, dude. They both need the boot. While keeping Wentz and his contract as part of the Eagles’ dimly-lit future scares me, I am equally scared to see how Howie manages (loose term) the trade of both deadweight objects. Most recently, it’s been reported that “no one has made the Eagles a fair offer,” which leads me to believe that Howie’s definition of “fair” is not the one you’d find in Merriam-Webster. (For you youngins, that’s a dictionary.) If I’m the Eagles GM, this is what I’m seeking out from the list of potential trade partners:
Indianapolis Colts – My Dignity
While many lose their dignity during a typical drunken night out in their college or young adult years, mine escaped my body long, long before that in the lobby of a downtown Indianapolis hotel in November of 2010. Although this sounds like the plot of a scandalous novel, it’s simply a classic case of childhood embarrassment.
After forcing my dad to drive my siblings and I eleven hours from York, PA to watch the Chargers take on the Colts on SNF, one of my pregame orders of business was finding the team hotel and stalking the players in hopes of obtaining an autograph or picture. Once there, I saw one member of the Chargers, and one only. Young Caroline, the biggest of all ten Chargers fans in America, was unable to contain herself, and spastically shouted, “OHMYGODITSRONRIVERA!” abruptly startling the former San Diego defensive coordinator out of his shoes. He gave me a nervous wave and continued on his way. I’ve never been the same since.
Chicago Bears – BDN
One of the more prominent “rumors” surrounding this trade has proposed the idea of swapping Wentz for a first rounder, Tarik Cohen, and our lord and savior, Big Dick Nick Foles. The first two ~pieces~ are nice and all, but the only part of this ~package~ I care for is our Super Bowl MVP. I make this trade, and I leave the City of Brotherly Love ~stiffer~ than the Philly Philly statue that sits outside of Lincoln Financial Field.
Carolina Panthers – Matt Rhule
I still don’t know who the Eagles’ new coach is without the help of Google. I suppose that no search history is better than a concerning search history, but I’m still left largely uninterested by this hiring decision. On the other hand, I am well aware that Matt Rhule played linebacker at Penn State, which many like to remind me is a “cult.” Being the proud cult member that I am, I would blindly trust Matt Rhule to lead my team any day. Plus, as college walk-on and the former head coach of Temple, he’s easily grittier than — quickly googles — Nick Sirianni, who looks a bit too pretty boy for this role. …Wow, now that I’m on Google Images here, have you seen the man’s eyes?
New England Patriots – The Spygate Tapes
Bill Belichick likes to play up his “unemotional” schtick, but I know he’s in a pretty low place (not a short joke) right now, after watching his beloved Tom win another title without him. The Patriot Way has been exposed, and there’s no more opportune time to convince Bill to do the same with the Spygate tapes. Who has them? Someone has them. I know they do. Come on Bill, I won’t even put them on SnapFace or InstaChat. Probably just Twitter. Clout-chasing don’t sleep.
Houston Texans – Bill O’Brien to be in Charge of the Trade
Please, just bring him back in for one more.
Washington Football Team – Apology Call to Rivera
I just want a chance, you know? The way in which I startled the poor man took at least ten years off of his life, as if he hasn’t been through enough recently. There’s absolutely no chance that he remembers this moment, but it’s haunted me for the last decade… the memory rising to the top of my subconscious at the most inopportune times, as embarrassing moments do. If it meant I’d never again feel this chill run down my spine, I would send Carson Wentz to the division champs, ensuring that they would not retain the title, and full nights of sleep in my future.
Sup Caroline? 