Who’s Ready To Give Virtual McDonald’s Bags To Recruits?

By now, you’ve heard what will undoubtedly be the best news to break in our year of redemption that is 2021: NCAA Football, hands-down the most incredible video game that has ever graced the shelves of Gamestop, is BACK* (*in like two or three years) for the first time since its last installment hit the stores in 2014.

Even now, I can still vividly remember posting a picture of myself holding that game, immediately upon purchasing it in Target, to whatever social media platform was popular back then. Probably Facebook (*shivers*). Young Caroline was too shy to make male friends, so the only people that saw it were almost certainly a bunch of girls who wondered 1) how they were friends with me, and 2) what the hell I was holding. I was completely overcome with happiness in that moment, and seven years later, may or may not have shed a tear upon hearing the news on Tuesday. Those who have never experienced it have absolutely no idea what kind of magic awaits. If she’s never won ten straight national championships with the Akron Zips, she’s too young for you bro. Either that, or she’s completely age appropriate, and just not a freak that skipped homecoming because she didn’t want to stop playing.

In this shiny, new version of NCAA Football, there are many features that myself and others would love to see, that would make for a more realistic and somehow even more time-consuming gaming experience. These include, but are certainly not limited to:

  • Bagmen
  • Choice of fast food restaurant bag for wad of cash transportation
  • Customizable notes app decommitment tweets
  • Option to decline interview if someone does not respect your decision
  • Ability to troll message boards
  • Staff positions for the random ass “analysts” and “interns” that Nick Saban is always hiring
  • Throw it back with teams/players who missed out on their appearance the video game
  • Literally just don’t be Madden trash

By the time this game is unveiled, the anticipation will have built up so incredibly high that the game designers at EA will have no choice but to make it the most intricate and creative sports game that has ever been produced. The possibilities on your Road to Glory or dominant Dynasty shall be endless (I hope). Once your mind gets churning, it’s easy to get caught up in what’s yet to come. But has anyone taken a step back to admire the simple, timeless pleasures of our favorite game?

Anyone who has ever played NCAA knows that the auto-generated names are often a thing of absolute beauty. There are names that come across your recruiting board that elicit a dumb grin, as you think to yourself, “Yup, that’s an NCAA name.” It’s hard to put your finger on what makes these names what they are. No rules, no formulas. Mostly simple, yet somehow hilarious. They just are, and you know one when you hear one. They’re perfection.

What’s crazy about the new game, however, is that the current players in the NCAA will not have their names changed for image and likeness use purposes — you know, the entire reason our precious game was ripped from our grubby little hands in the first place. Sure, some sort of angel among us in the gaming sphere always redid every roster with the real names anyway, but it will be different. Of course, we will all be extending our dynasties well beyond the correctly-named-player era, so eventually, the auto-generated names will once again rule the NCAA. Here’s to hoping that even if every other piece of the game is transformed, these monikers stay magnificent.

As I sit here on a cool February night in 2021, I am already dreaming about the possible auto-generated names that will grace my television screen as I begin to purchase extravagant automobiles for the parents of the recruits in the high school class of 2024. For now, I will practice for this moment by building my big board with members of the newly-signed class of 2021, based solely on the potential star power of their name once they have reached the collegiate stage. No rhyme, no reason. Some simple, some funny, some gritty, some bad ass. They just sound right, and I want them on my team.

**Note: I stopped after the top 100 classes, as ranked by 247Sports. I only have so much time — I’m trying to build a dynasty here (probably a Nick Saban quote, but I’m not crediting him). Oh and I guess technically I do have an actual job that pays me.

  1. Jaxson Dart, QB
  2. Diego Pounds, OT
  3. David Davidkov, OT
  4. Taj Butts, RB
  5. Jaggar Hebeisen, TE
  6. New Zealand Williams, S
  7. Dodge Sauser, OT
  8. Power Echols, ILB
  9. Chief Borders, OLB
  10. Shield Taylor, TE
  11. Canon Boone, OT
  12. West Weeks, ATH
  13. Cam’Ron Ransom, QB
  14. Loyal Crawford, RB
  15. Chaz Chambliss, OLB
  16. Sander Sahaydak, K
  17. Dink Jackson, S
  18. Bubba Chandler, QB
  19. Brandon Honorable, OT
  20. Nathan Boerboom, TE
  21. Remington Strickland, C
  22. Santino Marucci, QB
  23. Dino Kaliakmanis, WR
  24. O’Mega Blake, WR
  25. Miller Moss, QB

Now, if you’ll excuse me… I have an appointment with a real estate agent. The Dart family needs a second house in State College.

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