Shaking Rust Off My Writing Can’t Be Worse Than My Gambling

While it’s super cool and all that I’ve made the decision to sit down and start writing again, I am now coming to terms with the fact that I now must actually figure out what to write about. They say to “write what you know,” but as Machine Gun Kelly once said, “All I know is I don’t know nothing, all I know is I don’t know nothing at all.” Inspired.

Perhaps I should become a songwriter. I did move to Nashville after all — isn’t that the career path you’re supposed to follow out here? I matched with one of the writers of “Dicked Down in Dallas” (if you’ve never heard it, please make like the Woke and EDUCATE YOURSELF here) on Hinge while here, and that provided almost enough intrigue to get me to explore my options. When I met another writer of the same song at a bar, it took everything in me to not run to the nearest recording studio and demand some sort of contract. Everything, plus all of the mimosas I’d had at brunch.

Perhaps writing is like riding a bike, except the last time I remember riding a bike was in a Columbia, SC Wal-Mart in 2012 while my friend recorded it for a “music video” we were making. Almost crashed into a bunch of basketballs and haven’t touched one since. So, hopefully it’s nothing like riding a bike, upon further review.

Maybe it’ll be more like forcing myself to go on dates, now that I live in a new city that actually has places to go and things to do and people to see. You’re never going to remember how to date or get any better if you don’t take those initial awkward steps. Start practicing on the ones that definitely lied about their height so that you’re ready once the ones who are actually capable of holding a conversation roll around. But don’t get too stressed. Take what it gives you. Just have fun. Take back the power.

If we combine several of these thoughts that my stream of consciousness just produced above, I think I now know where to begin. Speaking of crashing a bike into a wall of basketballs, we have one last football game to gamble on this Sunday, do we not? People always say that no one cares about your bets, fantasy team, etc., but if I’m getting back into the internet clout-chasing game, I’m starting with what once worked for me, at the expense of my wallet — my atrocious gambling habits. It was cathartic in multiple ways… I don’t know if anyone noticed, but in the fall of 2019, some of my blogs were mostly filled with gambling and partially filled with one-liners about a man that I wanted to run over with my car at that time. Sneaky bitch, I know.

Believe it or not, I actually dug myself out of a large hole in the late summer/early fall and was up a few hundred dollars — which is HUGE for me, given my previous struggles. Shortly after, I got addicted to parlays and lost everything (and more), forcing myself to go on hiatus for a bit. My addictive personality is always thrown for a major loop when I muster the willpower to do this. Plus, since I moved in late December, I’ve already drank more in the past month than I did all of last year. So I guess I found a new vice — or rather, reintroduced myself to an old friend. Let’s make 2021 about rekindling old relationships, and all that other stuff that 2020 made us realize is important…

…like spending your hard-earned (well, that’s debatable) money on things that make you happy outside of that soul-sucking job! Even if you’re basically flushing money down the toilet, at least you had a good time! Or in the case of gambling, there’s a 99% chance you didn’t! Lololol yayyy gambling!

Now that I’m no longer mooching off of my parents, I’ve got to be a bit more careful, but I’ve got plenty of unhealthy urges I will be acting on. Oh and I’ll be gambling too.

Coin Toss

Not to be dramatic, but if you aren’t going with tails (-105) here, I don’t want to know you. It doesn’t even matter if you lose the bet (which you won’t because tails never fails, but if you do) — it’s strictly a matter of principle. Call me daddy crazy, but giving head betting heads is just not a fun time.

Gatorade Bath

Given that both teams have predominantly red color schemes, red Gatorade feels like a safe bet that would cover both sides. Then again, I wear mostly black, but cannot drink my coffee unless it has a pound of creamer in it, so maybe this is flawed logic. Plus, Bruce Arians might not want to risk getting showered in a color that clashes so badly with his face. Us products of York, PA are typically very fashionable people that are concerned with that kind of thing. All this is to say I’m taking a flier on Clear/Water at +700, because we all know how Tom Brady feels about water consumption.

National Anthem

I have no idea who Jazmine Sullivan is, but congrats to her on getting to sing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl. I just googled her and apparently she’s from Philly, so now I’m embarrassed for not knowing. Sorry, Jazmine. Anyway, apparently this rendition of the National Anthem will not only be performed by Jazmine, but also Eric Church and H.E.R. The sheer fact that multiple people are going to be coordinating with each other on this venture makes it feel more likely that it’s going to take longer than if it were just one person singing alone. I know that when I step out of the shower and into dingy bar karaoke, my friends’ subpar singing abilities really throw off my rhythm. Disaster. Gotta go with the over (EVEN) here.

First Song at Halftime

It’s the shortest odds, but I can’t see The Weeknd starting with anything other than “Starboy” (+350) due to the fact that both Tom Brady and Patrick Mahomes are both, in fact, starboys. Whatever a starboy is.

Last Song at Halftime

If I finally got my chance to perform at the Super Bowl during a godforsaken Covid year, I’d be drinking all of the things and maybe dabbling with some of the other things too. Having the time of my life, sure, but also pissed at the same time. You’d have to get your bang for your buck on the watered-down experience. Plus, Tampa is the home of Gasparilla, a “pirate festival” that is normally held in late January, but has been pushed until April this year. Gotta think some other celebrations will still be taking place. Therefore, “Can’t Feel My Face” gets my vote at +1600.

Goodell Cameos

Even though Roger Goodell is one of the worst people in America at his job, and denied Dave Portnoy the chance to donate $250K for the NFL’s Covid relief efforts, you know they’ll be pumping him up on the broadcast as the savior of this NFL season. Over 1.5 (-120) is theft.

Postgame Player Proposal to His Girlfriend

I’m willing to take a chance and throw some on Yes (+450) in the hopes that Patrick Mahomes flies me out to the game last minute and pops the question. No disrespect to his pregnant fiancĂ©e or unborn daughter. But if you don’t have dreams, what do you have?

Big Time Players Make Big Time Plays in Big Time Games

Chris Godwin over 5.5 receptions (-150). Rod God. Brady’s guy. Gave up #12. Makes plays, including circus catches as the commentators are talking shit about how he’s been off his game. ’nuff said.

The Game

It’s going to be so incredibly annoying to watch Tom Brady win ANOTHER Super Bowl in epic fashion, showing the world that he was The Patriot Way, and it now ceases to exist because he is no longer in Foxborough. Which is exactly why it’s going to happen. I hate every bit of this, but then again, do I? It’s gotten to the point where it’s exhausting to have hate towards his greatness. Good for him, honestly. Maybe I’ll finally admit that he’s not a system QB. The biggest accomplishment of all would be finally getting my approval. The climb back out of the hole of gambling despair starts with Bucs moneyline, whether I like it or not.

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