Beach Body? More Like “Beached Whale,” Am I Right?

You know how the saying goes: April showers bring May flowers significantly more humid May showers, but technically, it’s “spring time.” This means that before you can even say, “Wait, can we do a boomerang of our margaritas?”, summer will be here. Forget the sun, the heat, and a pretty convincing argument for the need to drink outdoors in the middle of a work day. Summer translates to one thing — it’s bikini season. Or for the 99% of people reading this who aren’t women: trunks season. Is that a thing? For most of my life I was accustomed to seeing guys strictly in Speedos (you get used to it), so I actually had to google the name for men’s bathing suits, because I legitimately forgot.

Another thing I “forgot” to do is get myself into proper shape for the aforementioned bikini season. In December, my mantra was, “Oh, the new year is coming! New year, new me — gonna get back to my old, health-conscious self. Look how hot I was in that picture from five years ago!”

So then March rolls around, and my parents schedule our family vacation for the end of July. Perfect. “Don’t worry Caroline, you have plenty of time. Keep it (??) up!” I told myself with the fake self-confidence of all the models on instagram who are posing happily with their cute little ice cream cones in photos but are crying after the shot is taken because they hate themselves and actually have to throw that chocolatey goodness away.

But lo and behold, to the surprise of literally no one, it’s May, and not much has changed since I was last seen stuffing my face full of home-made brownies and lasagna and washing it down with an entire bottle of rosé. “Calories don’t count on the holidays!” I have yet to decipher my excuse for the last four months, though. Life is a celebration??? Jk, you guys know me better than to think I’d speak so highly of the human existence like that.

As I’ve mentioned in a previous blog (that Scott Van Pelt read and tweeted me about — to brag this time), my dad is a surgeon. Recently, he’s been very into his own health and trying to start a new business with the knowledge that he’s learned. At an extremely basic, high level, he’s used a combination of the paleo, keto, and super-strict carnivore diets to lose a significant amount of weight, while tremendously improving his overall health in the process.

Blah, blah, blah… no one wants to hear about so-and-so’s diet — I get it. But I’m out of ideas here, and I’m sure that some of you reading this are too. After much contemplation, I may have to admit that perhaps, my dad knows what he’s talking about. The problem is, he’s my dad, so I can’t let him know he might be right about anything, ever. That’s just how the parent-child relationship works.

So instead, I’ve decided to turn to what has actually raised me over the years: SPORTS. I’ve made the choice to let famous athletes dictate my dietary investigation, because it’s surely not possible that they are just genetic freaks that I will never have a single thing in common with. It would just be plain silly of me to trust the proven advice of a man who provided me half of my DNA, kindly including his terrible metabolism.


Cam Newton – Vegan

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We’ll start out with examining the diet that my dad is 100% against. I’m not here to argue science, since it’s the worst, but if you’d like, you can follow my dad’s business page to hear from someone who actually knows what the hell they’re talking about.

Cam recently implemented this diet in order to help heal his shoulder, so it’s yet to be determined if it works from a physical standpoint (I’m not giving veganism any credit for the muscles he’s had for years).

On the mental side, Cam has not wavered from his use of wing/web/whatevertheheck-dings characters in his instagram captions, so I guess it’s bad for brain health. I’d prefer to keep my brain the way it is, so I can keep writing, and for that reason I am out.


Tim Tebow – Keto

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Ah, keto! This is what I’ve been trying over the past few weeks. So far, I think the only weight that I have lost is a result of the residence I’ve taken up in the bathroom of every building I’ve entered since then. But I’m trusting the process (shoutout Joel Embiid and gastroenteritis).

Anyway, Tebow is obviously in great shape, as he always has been. I struggle to picture him doubling over in pain due to an eye-popping, keto-flu-induced headache, like myself, but I guess it’s possible. Keto has not helped him athletically as of late, but I don’t care about that. When I say I want to “get in shape,” it’s basically just a way to say I want to be more attractive while sounding like I’m concerned about my overall health and definitely not being vain at all. So check that box.

My only concern is that Tebow tends to shout everything he says, and it has become increasingly more noticeable since his playing days. Is this just because he’s on TV more, or has the diet made him so angry that it’s his form of release? I already suffer from chronic RBF (resting bitch face), so I probably shouldn’t add incessant yelling to my repertoire. Something to watch.


LeBron James – Paleo/Keto

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I’m not sure what he’s up to these days, besides missing the playoffs and failing to recruit for Space Jam 2, but back in 2014, LeBron followed a paleo ketogenic diet for a whole 67 days. This is fairly impressive, but just a couple days shy of being nice. He says that he lost a “ton” of weight and many thought he looked “too skinny,” and I stopped reading after that. Sold!


Tom Brady – Anti-inflammatory

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Anti-inflammatory, TB12 Method… whatever you want to call it, it’s still a form of suffering that’s supposed have loads of health benefits, just like the rest of ’em. Clearly, it’s doing something right for Tom, or he’s just a robot. I’m not sure we can rule that out.

But I’m not concerned with being able to play quarterback into my 70’s (although I do wish he’d give someone else in the AFC a chance), and neither are you. We all just wanna look hot. And no offense, Tom, but you’ve still got a bit of a dad bod going on, so I’m not sure that I can trust you to tighten me up either.

I will, however, acknowledge that his social media use is hilariously on point, and give props to whatever this diet is doing for his mental acuity. Being funny is my backup plan for finding a husband for when getting in shape inevitably fails, so I’ll keep this in mind moving forward.


Gabe Kapler – Carnivore

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The carnivore diet is exactly what it sounds like, and is what has awarded my dad the most success. I’ve tried it once before, but I ended up doing a day full of carnivore and then binging on chocolate every night, so I guess I did not actually try the carnivore diet, upon further review.

If you don’t know, Gabe Kapler is the Phillies’ manager, and he looks like he could probably still swing it (I’m talking about a baseball bat, get your minds out of the gutter). The man formerly known as “The Hebrew Hammer” (not sure if this one referred to the bat) attributes his physique to his following of the carnivore lifestyle, which I can assume does not include nightly chocolate-chip cookie binges.

It even looks like Kap once ran a lifestyle blog, which is shocking to me because he’s not a thirsty girl on instagram who claims everyone has been asking about her skincare routine. I’d be genuinely interested in his though. Way to break that glass ceiling!


Gronk – ???

Probably just a lot of beer-chugging, right? Huh. Maybe I’ll just stick to that and say a few extra prayers at night.