Now that the initial buzz of the NFL free agency frenzy has dwindled, the off-season has felt a bit slow as of late. Gronk retired? No kidding, my 78-year-old grandparents move with more fluidity than that poor fella. Robert Kraft wants a jury trial? I’d sooner gauge my eyes out with a deli fork than watch the alleged video evidence.
Recently, I have found myself sitting around, twiddling my idle Twitter thumbs, wishing that someone would get busted for PEDs or a Brett Favre-esque cell phone scandal. I’ve never gone so long without poking fun at something sports-related.
My wishes sound malicious, but that’s how distressed I’d become. Heck, I even hit up Modell’s to purchase a Phillies hat and shirt. I’d never watched a game! Simply put, I was in a dark place. That was, until, news broke earlier this week that league owners had voted to allow official review of pass interference calls.
Oh, I’m sorry Saints fans. In addition to review of these calls, which already puts our beloved game in danger of entering baseball-game-length-territory, officials can also replay instances of non-calls of pass interference. If you couldn’t guess, the scorned Sean Payton was the righteous leader of this movement, still reeling from the infamous NFC Championship non-call against the Rams.
Was that pass interference? Definitely. Was anyone going to beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl? Lol. Do I still hate the Saints for dancing to “Dreams and Nightmares” in the locker room after they knocked the Eagles out of the playoffs? Dumb question.
But I digress.
The enactment of this rule will certainly have fans and officials on high alert next season, whether it be in a positive or negative way. While the eyesight of NFL refs seems to be deteriorating at an unsettling rate, I’m sure that this rule will create an entirely new set of problems for fans. I can’t wait to find out which fan base I get to hate next! I hope it’s not one I already despise, or that would take away all the fun.
So sure, perhaps the league may be onto something here — attempting to call game-altering plays correctly may carry some merit. However, off the top of my head, I can think of a few situations whose review are much more pressing matters.
1. My encounter with Chad Kelly
Before I attended my first (and only) homecoming dance in ninth grade, a group of friends and I (only insecure girls go with dates, obviously…) piled into an extremely sketchy white van and rode to a restaurant in York, PA. But it wasn’t just any restaurant… it was the place where I first laid eyes on one Chad “Swag” Kelly.
My friends and I were blatantly staring at him and giggling the entire time, unable to remain coy about our newfound crush. After dinner, as we loaded back into our Hey Kids Do You Want Some Candy Van, Chad’s mom approached us. She informed our group that he “thought we were cute,” and gave us his number (you read that right — Swag Kelly sent his mom over). We spent the next few days spastically texting Swag and ogling him on MySpace (RIP), until his girlfriend discovered our existence and got pretty pissed. Looking back — none of this is surprising.
These shenanigans took place not long before he was kicked off of Red Lion High School’s football team. I was aware that his uncle was a storied quarterback, but what I did not know was that this would be the start of Swag’s own story that would lead him into an unsuspecting couple’s living room on that fateful Halloween night.
Upon review, I’d go back, use those MySpace DMs for good, and warn Chad of the dangers of both alcohol and vacuum parts. In an NFL that is serving us the personalities of Eli Manning and Andrew Luck on a dingy, dusty platter, we need a SWAG KELLY. I can’t believe I could have prevented this.
2. The second half of Super Bowl LII
Fun fact: the last quarterback to throw a touchdown pass in the Super Bowl was Nick Foles! Less fun fact: I do not have any recollection of this game-winning score by Zach Ertz, or anything beyond the viral photo that Selfie Kid snapped with Justin Timberlake. Given the chance, I’d like to go back and replay these couple of hours, sans most of the vodka sours. You know you had a good (?) time when multiple family members tell you to delete your entire Snapchat story immediately.
Luckily, the Eagles still took home the Lombardi whether I remember it or not. The Birds were still World Champs, and Tom Brady still lost to a backup quarterback. Pay no attention to the fact that the Patriots are current World Champs and that Nick Foles is now a starter. Just give me that replay headset and let me return to a time before any of this unfolded.
3. My 2019 March Madness bracket
I had a chance to win rent credit from my property management company. I got too cute in choosing my Elite Eight, and now will not be receiving any.
3. The unknown moment that I lost my glasses
Do you know how grueling it is to wake up hungover on a Sunday morning, right before the 1:00 games are kicking off, unable to move, and having to put contacts in because you lost your glasses and refuse to buy new ones? Probably not, because you either have perfect vision (lucky), didn’t lose your glasses (responsible), or you would have bought a new pair by now (full blown adult status).
Unfortunately, at an unknown point over the past year, I misplaced my beloved spectacles. Can you still say “misplaced” if there’s literally no hope of ever finding them again? I have searched everywhere and have long lost any faith that they will one day return to me. If I want to watch sports on what should be a relaxing, lazy weekend, I am forced to endure the laborious task of putting in my contacts.
Instead of employing a forward-looking strategy, where I move on and simply purchase a new pair, I will channel the New Orleans Saints. I will replay and review the past over and over again, and perhaps protest outside the Omni Vision store across the street, because life isn’t fair. With any luck, after an abundance of complaining about my loss, and finally accepting that someone in Los Angeles probably has them in their possession, maybe someone will buy me a new pair. Not me, though. Cause it’s not fair and I want a redo.
In conclusion, my missteps and regrets are more important and warrant significantly more national attention than pass interference.