If you missed part one of this two-part stream of consciousness and admiration of my own work, you can catch yourself up here.
Alright. I have hydrated, inhaled Chipotle much quicker than the doctor-recommended speed, nearly become one with my couch, and I am ready to relive the 2022 Penn State Football season, post-bye week. If you recall, spirits were high as we quickly forgot the treacherous 17-7 monsoon victory over Northwestern and regrouped for a battle of top ten teams in Ann Arbor.
Still digging around for some of these, though — let me know if anyone has any luck. We will not rest until this garbage is a thing of the past.
Week 7: @ Michigan
And so it began! I saw some folks getting up in arms about this joke, saying we shouldn’t be allowed to say this if we can’t beat Michigan. To that I say:
1. “Sucks” is an objectively funny insult. I’ve really grown to love it since I became addicted to attending Preds games. It’s so simple (but a major burn when you were a kid), and it’s made its way back around.
2. Win or lose, Michigan still sucks. It’s an objective fact. Sure, if we lose, I guess we suck more that day. But Michigan still sucks! Fact! Facts don’t care about your feelings.
3. Who died and made you the fun police?
Anyone remember when I almost blinded myself? Yikes. That was truly one of the worst and weirdest feelings I’ve ever had. Very adorable how I thought at the time I was practicing core value #4 (sacrifice), but instead I was trying to prevent myself from seeing the disaster that was to come. The human body really is amazing. ❤
She still has not given this shirt back. Classic Iowa. Luckily, I continued my clairvoyance streak — I knew that she wouldn’t, so I gave her one that I got for free and never intended to wear. Stay ready so you don’t have to get ready.
Super fun start to the game! I don’t even remember our offense having the ball. I’m too lazy to pull up the box score, but I’m going to estimate that we ran nine plays.
Ope, never mind, I got ahead of myself. SIX!!! Very un-Yurcich SZN.
This may have been my favorite play of the season. I vividly remember standing up on my seat at the bar and becoming completely UNHINGED screaming and aggressively slapping everyone standing in my general vicinity. Psychotic beeeeast Caroliiiiiine, bum bum buuuuum. Good times never seemed so good. So good! So good! So good! And that was the last moment in the game that I had fun.
5-1. At least we don’t have cowards running our social media team.
Oh and P.S. this loss was my fault hahaha oops okay moving on now no need to dwell.
Week 8: vs. Minnesota
If you’re offended by this, just wait for Maryland week, where I use the word “fuck!” *gasp* (If you know you know.) Sidenote: is the boat still a thing, or did that luster wear off in like 2019?
They’re only mistakes if you don’t learn from them. You’re allowed to refer to your football team as “we” if you’re putting in the work like this.
Tough start with the WOAT starting the game some other channel of theirs and denying us the signature pregame whiteout crowd shots. No one cares about Texas. They’re not back.
If I had a dollar for every time I was made aware that we linger around .500 in whiteouts, I could fund an NIL package for Drew Allar that would get him to stay all four years. Get a new stat, losers. It’s not like we’re playing Maryland in these games.
Finally, we saw some major production from our “best TE room in the country.” It seems maybe we need some more women on the offensive staff, as chicks dig tight ends, and we would have solved this under-usage problem much sooner. I volunteer, but only if I can continue to work remotely from Nashville.
This game was fun, plain and simple. Almost too easy — no stress beyond trying to get ABC to show it. Not losing back-to-back games after the first loss also felt nice. Something was feelin’ a bit different this year. 6-1.
Week 9: vs. Ohio State
Yes, this is an actual recent photo I took using my actual blue nails as to not cause another loss. It’s in front of the bar on Broadway where Ohio State fans watch their games. This idiot I briefly dated has a dorky photo with it on his instagram. I hope he had a horrible rivalry Saturday. 🙂
We all joked about this, but seriously, when did this become a thing? We are the ones with the largest alumni base!! Read a book, Gus. Oh and can anyone tell me if Cliff is a kid from Cincinnati?
This may have been my second favorite play of the season. Parker didn’t quite have the breakout season we were expecting after Jahan left for the NFL, but boy did he introduce himself to many that day. Things were not great on offense before that play, and it gave us the spark we needed to feel hope for a few hours before our souls were inevitably shattered.
Earlier that week my parents brought home a mini golden doodle, Bear, who I lovingly refer to as “Beautiful Gorgeous Angel,” because that’s what he is. I kept accidentally scaring the shit out of him when we made big plays.
Weirdly enough, he was also from Cincinnati and stressed me the fuck out. If you want to know how this one ended, refer to the opening of part one. Four-year rollercoaster of emotions avoided.
I’d be tired too if I was carrying the team on my back! Have I mentioned how much I love Allen and Singleton? We kept his name Bear though, so feel free to steal that name for your pup.
Oh, shocker, it didn’t end well. We covered though. Good teams win, great teams… ugh, whatever. 6-2.
Week 10: @ Indiana
Brutal way to run an establishment. Hope he had a good day.
Upon further review I LOVE LOVE LOVE them both. Which I may have mentioned earlier.
There was a bit of stress early, but like most wins this year, we quickly figured them out and put them away. It may have been the mimosas, but all I really remember from this game is Fatman continuing to roll people over like a freight train. Easy win. 7-2.
Oh, and this happened. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t immediately start envisioning it as part of his highlight package that will be played 10,000 times before the 2025 NFL Draft.
Week 11: vs. Maryland
Ah, there she is.
And the blue hairs had a PROBLEM with it. The battle that went on between us was more of a fight than Maryland ever ended up showing.
As my dear mother put it, “You are a good person, you just like the “f” word.” Get you someone in your corner like that.
It was hard to admit this, but I am nothing if not brutally honest at all times. Luckily, I didn’t really miss much. Unluckily, it was like 35 degrees out that night for the party bus.
Our darling Gatorade had another nice day. I feel like I’ve seen this same touchdown run so many times already. Is this what it’s like to be Alabama (besides this year I guess)? Too easy! I’m bored! (Note to football gods: this is a joke, do not take this away from me.)
Some more winners came out when I commented that Sean had a bad throw. My door was very offended by this tweet, but felt a lot better once I reminded it that it scored the same number of points as Maryland that day.
8-2. +1 for Chop Robinson being on our team.
Week 12: @ Rutgers
Looking back, I wish I’d just made it “Buttger,” but you get the point.
Big ups to the Rutgers punter for eventually breaking the record in this game and giving their social media team one (1) exciting (?) thing to tweet about that afternoon.
Oh no, another Him tweet. Looks like I waited awhile though. And it was appropriate, cause like, Nick Singleton is Him. The only Him.
If you want a cool kid, just name him Kobe. In the words of Micah Parsons and Jesse Luketa, “It’s real simple.” As lopsided as this score ended up, it really did start out messy. But that’s why you play all three phases of the game and pray that eventually the offense gets their shit together. Fortunately for us, we have Nick Singleton and Kaytron Allen on our team, so they did.
Yurcich also started calling much more Yurcich SZN-y plays near the end of the year which made me feel better about having a custom-made “MIKE YURCICH SZN” t-shirt in my possession.
*their Superbowl that was mostly attended by Penn State fans. 9-2.
Week 13: vs. Michigan State
Land Grant Trophy jokes and memes will never get old. That shit is a timeless piece of art. And I use “shit” as a term of endearment in this case.
This definitely was not a shot at anyone in particular. Simply appreciating what ended up being an amazing hire for us last offseason when others may have wanted us to hire someone else that got hired somewhere else in the East. No one in particular though. This is all conjecture.
This was another big game for my “Chicks Dig Tight Ends” initiative. Sparty had zero interest in covering any of them. It’s not like they’re all huge and going to be drafted one day. But you do you.
You know it’s bad when even I am struggling for words.
Cliff = comin’. Tuck = not comin’. This was pretty, which probably made a lot of people (PSU fans) mad, based on the reaction some of my later tweets got. Imagine your life sucking that much. Woof.
They tried to scare us with some of their usual unbelievable catches, but again, it wasn’t enough. This team beats the teams they’re supposed to beat!! This is a good thing! This is progress! Rejoice! Stop yelling at me when I celebrate positive moments!
And now… the most controversial thing I tweeted all season! A simple congrats to who is surely a fine human being in Sean Clifford. Didn’t say I wish we had ten more years with him. Didn’t say he was the best PSU QB of all time. Didn’t say he was “Him.” And people lost their shit! They wanted my head! For saying that a good guy deserves a good last home game. GET A LIFE! SEEK HELP! TOUCH GRASS (I think that’s what the kids say)!
I want a national championship caliber QB as badly as the next person, but these wholesome moments are why we love sports at the end of the day. Some “fans” actually would have rather seen Cliff blow the game so they had more things to complain about. I cannot fathom being that deranged. And I am a girl who thinks that there’s still a chance her soulmate lives in Nashville.
Good for you, Sean Clifford. You will do great things in life and always serve as a great representative of the university we all love. Thank you for giving everything you had to this program.
Sup Caroline? 
James Franklin is doing wonders for the Nittany Lions. Just as he did for Vanderbilt. Personally, I know that move was for money, but I wish he stayed with Vanderbilt. Coaches all too often prove themselves and jump for the first opportunity to go big.
It worked for his case. But as Steve Spurrier once said, “Great schools don’t make great coaches. Great coaches make great schools.” Franklin could be sitting prettier if he stayed with Vandy and gave them limitless potential to contend in the east.
Just my opinion 😁
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