Well I’ll be damned. It feels like just yesterday that it was the last week of August, we were gearing up for the 2022 Penn State Football season, and I was proudly (and not sarcastically at all) proclaiming that the Nittany Lions would finish 15-0. It also feels like just the year before that, and the year before that, that I was doing the exact same thing… Huh, weird. It’s almost like I’m a homer that will never apologize.
Now here we are, almost three months later, staring back at a 10-2 regular season that many haters and losers (of which there are many) did not think was possible. After stumbling through 4-5 and 7-6 the past two years, many saw 2022 as a “rebuild” year, where we began to transition into a much younger squad with an influx of highly-touted freshmen players.
The oddsmakers set our over/under for wins on the year at a rather hilarious 8.5. I scoffed at this, while many “experts” chose to go under. Couldn’t be me! Granted, I am physically incapable of picking Penn State to lose any game, but still. It was insulting, and it’s fun to sit back and be proud of what this young team has accomplished. Turns out, the future is now.
Hell yeah, I would at some point like for James Franklin to beat Ohio State and Michigan in the same year. Would be suuuuper helpful in winning the Big Ten and the College Football Playoff. But it’s okay to demand that level of excellence and also acknowledge that we had a great 2022. I promise. I’d never lie to you. Let your hair down and smile for like five seconds. Please.
Purdue and Ohio State were heart attack city, Michigan was sad, and Northwestern was a close game played in a monsoon that never actually felt close. Other than that… we sorta blew out every other team. There were certainly moments of stress mixed in along the way, but we always figured it out, handily. We beat every team we were supposed to beat, which sounds like a “no shit, Sherlock” concept, but is unfortunately not something we have done in recent years. Around these parts, we call that “progress.”
While my Twitter persona consists mostly of the foul-mouthed, passionate, crazed fan side of me (and yes, what you see is what you get there – that’s how I am in real life too), I can also be a very soft, emotional, and sentimental person. I love a good reminiscing session, especially if it is about the good times I had with a man I knew for three weeks that was an asshole for most of our time together. I will reminisce that absolute shit out of that stuff.
No, I am not yet in therapy, but speaking of people who should be, it was another wild season on my Twitter timeline. Could I enjoy the football season without Twitter? Sure. I think. I suppose I did it as recently as six years ago. But this makes it more fun. So please, join me as I scroll back through and laugh at my own tweets (conceited much?) and relive the 2022 Penn State Football season.
Week 1: @ Purdue
The cool thing about life is that in many of our bad moments, the world feels like it’s going to end, and then three months later you look back at a tweet like this and don’t even remember what had you so upset. Soon you will have new bad moments to take their place – FUN! Anyway, I did in fact wake up that day and book multiple flights, airport shuttles, and buy a shady ticket from Tickpick that I later threw a fit about until they gave me my money back. I can’t include those tweets because they asked that I delete them before I got my refund. Good times.
Matty Fresh got very drunk before the game and we ended up not watching together. I was very shocked when I saw him at the end of the game, as I did not think he was going to make it in.
The big-name bar at Purdue (not sure if this is saying a lot, since they had like two total) is Harry’s Chocolate Shop. Misleading af, as there was no chocolate to speak of. But I met so many great Purdue and PSU fans that night that I lost my voice before the game even started. Highly recommend attending a game there. Very cool nerds (I can say this cause I was also a nerd in my past life as a student).
Okay, very cool besides this. That kid knew what he was doing. I can still taste it. Their big fat L probably tasted worse though.
Looking back, this play is now very believable. Brenton Strange breakout game in a breakout season.
I was right there in the fifth row on the 50-yard line in a spot that was not an actual seat because I wanted to sit with my new friends that I made on the internet.
I have to imagine this was around the time that Sean threw the pick-six right in front of my face when Tinsley was wide open. My head was on absolute fire from a combination of drinking all day, screaming like a feral animal, and overall football stress.
I’m big enough of a person to admit that I actually watched the game-winning drive from the concourse. My new friends and I thought we were toast after that crazy Purdue catch that ended up incomplete. Once we started driving, we had to stay out there for good vibes purposes. After Keyvone’s TD, I ran back inside while one of my friends got in a fight with a triggered Purdue fan who started going at him with the ever-classy Sandusky jokes. Nevertheless, we were 1-0.
Week 2: vs. Ohio
Not to brag but it appears that I called it. His targeting ejection at Purdue is still a crime.
This is still how I look when I think about this. Oh, young and naive little Caroline, wait til you see what they do the rest of the year.
Tinsley was a very solid addition to our team this year. You have to think his stats/production weren’t quite what he envisioned when he came over from WKU, but I’m damn glad that we had him in some clutch moments. Also, I am preemptively cringing thinking about how many “Him” tweets I probably had this season. I hate them and love them at the same time.
To some this might some weird and/or dramatic but I think it’s perfectly accurate and holy shit I can’t wait for 2023.
This was one of my more controversial tweets this year. Like no DUH it was garbage time against Ohio. I didn’t fall out of Franklin’s golf cart yesterday. But we saw it in game 2 and we saw it all year… these freshmen are SPECIAL, and we are in for a fun ride over the next few years. NO ONE CAN TELL ME I’M WRONG!!
Wow, I can’t believe it took me the whole way until yesterday to block this dweeb. That’s on me and I’ll do better next year.
Turns out I was likely not the only one who lost sleep over that this year. What a beautiful taste of what was to come. 2-0.
Week 3: @ Auburn
Nothing like a little “iT jUSt MeAnS mOrE” shit talk to get the week rolling. People forget that I played a sport in the SEC (sadly not football) so I am allowed to make fun of them.
These tweets were everywhere on Friday and Saturday, and it was hysterical. People also forget that we have the largest living alumni base in the world. On Saturdays in the fall, we move. It’s almost like it just means even more in the B1G.
Remember when the SEC pundits thought the game was pretty much over at this point? Lmaoooo. “Welcome to the SEC Sean Clifford.” Bruh he already introduced himself when he had the best game of career vs. Auburn in 2021. It’s like these weenies get paid to cover football and then don’t actually watch football. Hire me next! Actually don’t unless I am allowed to say “fuck” as much as I please.
While I was not in the south for this game, I was still outside battling in the sweaty streets of Pittsburgh. I eventually found a bar with A/C that unfortunately included some weirdo who told me to “promptly go fuck myself” because I was trying to focus on the game and had no interest in entertaining his wasted ass. “Caroline, how are you still single?” Because this is the dating pool, Jan.
I took a risk by making this meme earlier that morning, but boy did it pay off. I was not exactly ~sober~ by the end of the game and likely would not have had the wherewithal to meme at such a high level.
Hahahahaha wow I was really on one. I’m pretty sure I remember some players/staff liking this tweet. U tried, Orange Out.
I said this out loud at dinner and my dad told me to tweet it. Thanks Dad. This was my Mona Lisa. (It’s funny because it’s true). What a day. 3-0. Oh yeah, and never fucking forget:
Week 4: vs. Central Michigan
Woohoo! The bitch is back. This actually makes me sad, since I ended up only making it to one game this year. The traveling is getting hard on my decrepit 28-year-old body. Should I move back to PA? Sound off in the comments.
Didn’t take long! But it really is a challenge with noon games, no? I hate that we had so many this year. You really have to be dedicated to your mission. And aw, look how happy and carefree I was, unaware that in a few hours we’d be tied 14-14 with the Chippewas and I’d be getting sunburnt after freezing all morning. Cute.
That dude was a tank! And unlike Tank Bigsby the week before, he actually had an impact on the game.
The only bad part about attending games in the Beav is the fact that it’s 2022 and somehow we still have impressively awful cell service, so the tweets were few and far between that day. Which is fine, cause it was an overall unmemorable, sleepy few hours anyway. Just send out a tweet with the word “bitch” and there’s some quality engagement for the day. 4-0.
Week 5: vs. Northwestern
Barf, remember when this was a thing? I won’t disrespect America’s pastime as the diehard Phillies fan that I am, but this was a travesty. If I wanted to watch baseball, I’d simply watch baseball. Or paint dry.
Turns out fireball is the perfect way to warm your body up during a monsoon, even if you are indoors in Nashville and nowhere near said monsoon. God bless everyone who powered through that day. What a disgusting game. The bright spot was that I did find the guy, Steve, and we went on to take many more fireball shots together this season.
She did not stutter. 5-0.
Week 6: Bye
Yeah yeah yeah, I get that we “needed the rest” and to “gameplan for Michigan” (that worked out well lolz) but our entertainment as fans always comes first, and therefore, bye weeks suck. I’m very happy for those of you with significant others who finally got to see you that weekend, but some of us don’t have that problem. No pumpkin patches for me, so instead, my brother came to town and blacked out on Broadway a few times. As one does.
Well, that was fun, but my hands/wrists hurt from typing because my job mostly consists of bothering people on LinkedIn, which I can use templates to do, so it doesn’t require much typing. Firing off tweets on my phone also uses different muscles. So I’m going to take a break for now and maybe drink some water for the first time this afternoon, but rest assured I will be back to finish the rest of the season soon.
We Are, Bitch.
Edit: Part 2 is here! Check it out.