Friends, family, and other randos scattered throughout the interwebs who have been so lucky as to stumble across the literary work of art they are about to comb — the gifs above say it all. After what seems like an eternity of having to do actual work at my job, my three-month blogging hiatus has finally come to an end. Perhaps some of you assumed that I was just never going to write again, leaving my legacy at a total of 69 blogs. Although this would have been incredibly on-brand (and nice), it turns out that my company is paying me for a reason, and it is not to make inappropriate jokes on WordPress all day. Who knew! While this is still unfortunately the case, I am making a special effort for all of you today, and hopefully moving forward.
As the 2020 NFL Combine approaches, I figured there was no better way to announce my triumphant return to the blogosphere than my second installment of “WTF Did He Say?: An Analysis of NFL Combine Analysis.” This blog was one of my favorites to write last year, and also happened to get picked up by NFL.com draft analyst, Lance Zierlein, who wrote all of the draft profiles that I made weird jokes about. At first, this scared the shit out of me, worried that the blog would be taken the wrong way.
Turns out, he thinks I’m funny (agreed), and he threw me a follow, shout-out, and an encouraging DM. On occasion, the internet is a nifty place. Additionally, my followers blew up that day, so I have him to thank for building a part of this little group of loyal constituents I’ve been trying to create. After last year’s events, it would be a disservice to myself and the rest of the internet to not go for a round two. So here I am, after days of painstaking research, with a primer for your 2020 NFL Combine viewing. While Lance has provided you with endless bullet points of wonderfully detailed information, my job is to now breakdown his breakdown/pretend to make sense of it/possibly also make you laugh like one time or at least maybe form a slight smirk while you think about how stupid I am.
Let’s take a look at some of the most intriguing analyses:
Trey Adams – OL, Washington
Strength: Overcame physical adversity over a two-year span.
Gonna need more details on this one. As a former college athlete myself, I also overcame physical adversity over a two-year span by swimming with the 20 pounds I gained when I got to college. All I had to do was stop eating like a disgusting pig and I lost it. I’ve witnessed more impressive feats.
Weakness: Below-average body type with underdeveloped chest.
Are we analyzing adult men or preteen girls? I’m having PTSD from elementary school. Yeah I’m wearing a bra, and no I don’t need it. Yeah the straps are sticking out so you think I’m cool enough to need one. Get over it. Maybe he hasn’t hit puberty yet.
McTelvin Agim – DL, Arkansas
Strength: Girthy lower half.
I’d venture to say that he’s no Nick Foles, but this undeniably increases his chances of winning a Super Bowl MVP.
Salvon Ahmed – RB, Washington
Weakness: Racks up the step meters.
Anyone that still uses a pedometer should be on a no-fly list. In the age of Apple watches and Fitbits, this is a major red flag.
Brandon Aiyuk – WR, Arizona State
Weakness: Inconsistent catching through clingy coverage.
Maybe he just dates normal girls and isn’t used to dealing with stage-5 clingers. JK! There’s no such thing. We’re all insane.
Cam Akers – RB, Florida State
Strength: Former high school quarterback with trick play potential.
This is a weakness. I’m already sick of hearing about it on the broadcast.
Weakness: Productive out of backfield but hands aren’t that natural.
Fake boobs, fake asses — those are both cool. Now someone has unnatural hands and we’re gonna call him out on it?
Tremayne Anchrum – OL, Clemson
Strength: Sturdy build with big bubble.
But would this still be a strength if he got it from Dr. Miami? Or would we be surgery-shaming him??
Jet Anderson – RB, TCU
Strength: May offer added roster value as kick returner.
Not unless the NFL gets with the times and adopts the far-superior XFL version of the kickoff.
Weakness: Takes on way too many squared up licks by linebackers.
If it’s a squared up lick, then you should know it’s coming. What’s worse than being caught off guard with a lick? That’s disgusting. Lick awareness is a strength.
Grayland Arnold – CB, Baylor
Strength: Eyes to the quarterback as often as possible.
If I was on the same field as all the hot quarterbacks that exist, my eyes would constantly dart to them too. This is a given.
Devin Asiasi – TE, UCLA
Strength: Has talent to stalk and connect in space.
A much more 2020 way to say this: “Has the somewhat disturbing ability to take someone’s name and mildly blurry photo from a dating app and use them to mine the depths of the internet and find out where they went on vacation with their cousins in the summer of 2007.”
Weakness: Still learning to elude traffic and set up routes.
Give him time. Some kids get their licenses very late in life because their mothers don’t mind chauffeuring them to and from school and swim practice every day, nor do they have a bustling social life that requires having their own car. They still turn out relatively normal. I’ve heard.
Trajan Bandy – CB, Miami
Strength: Well-timed pokes to disrupt and dislodge the catch.
I’m not sure a poke is ever well-timed anymore. It’s always creepy. Just go like five of my Instagram pics in under ten seconds instead. That’s a totally fine story to tell our kids one day when they ask how we met. Facebook is dead.
Mekhi Becton – OL, Louisville
Strength: Potential to mash what’s in front with more work.
Unless it’s potatoes or cauliflower, what’s the draw?
Julian Blackmon – WR, Utah
Strength: Wipe-out talent when running the alleys.
Having a special knack for falling down in alleys sounds like a surefire way to get stabbed at night in the city. We’re not in Utah anymore.
Rodrigo Blankenship – K, Georgia
Strength: Very rarely mishits kicks.
All I can see in this sentence is the word “shit.” And then I see this:
Go Cocks.
Strength: Spits bars (released rap song inspired by Kirby Smart’s “Attack the Day” mantra).
Honestly, I expected worse. He’s more than just the glasses.
Ben Bredeson – OL, Michigan
Weakness: Effectiveness diminishes away from his phone booth.
Does he not have a cell phone?
Antoine Brooks, Jr. – S, Maryland
Strength: Highly instinctive near the line and loves to bang.
Congrats on the sex, BUT be careful not to lose to much testosterone before gameday. Our swim coaches used to warn the guys about that so I’m going to assume it’s a real thing.
Kelly Bryant – QB, Mizzou
Weakness: Makes wide receivers work way too hard.
You simply cannot have this in the age of entitled millennials. Next you’re gonna tell me he asks his o-line to please not get him killed. It’s not their fault he’s not Lamar Jackson. Disaster.
Lawrence Cager – WR, Georgia
Strength: Played with substantially better focus than at Miami.
On the surface, this sounds like a “no shit,” but do not underestimate Athens, where there are more bars per capita than any other city in the country. I spent some time there for a wedding once, and I can, uh… confirm. I think.
Raymond Calais – RB, Louisiana-Lafayette
Weakness: Always hurrying and could cut with better patience.
Aww, he probably had the ugliest paper snowflakes as a kid. That’s sad.
Jeremy Chinn – S, Southern Illinois
Weakness: Plays through a straw when asked to cover, losing play development around him.
Similarly, drinking multiple adult beverages through a straw is a surefire way to quickly lose awareness of your surroundings and embarrass yourself like a toasted safety.
Gabriel Davis – WR, UCF
Weakness: Could struggle to find operating room as a pro.
Well, hopefully Vontaze Burfict is banned from the NFL and he won’t ever need to go that far, maybe just a visit or two to the blue tent.
Trevon Diggs – CB, Alabama
Weakness: Upright heel-clicker mirroring release.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d wanna make like Dorothy and click my heels on outta there too.
J.K. Dobbins – RB, Ohio State
Weakness: Has “make you miss,” but not a wiggle monster in space.
All “wiggle monsters” should probably be registered on a few different undesirable lists, so I have a feeling that scouts will be able to look past the latter part of this one.
Kyle Dugger – S, Lenoir-Rhyne
Strength: All the athletic gifts under the tree have his name on them.
Wrong, the one where you can stick your hands on your hips and touch your elbows behind your back says CAROLINE. That’s right, try it. You can’t do it, can you? Didn’t think so. Neither can Kyle. Probably fucked up his elbow punching a wall after chugging a Monster and hasn’t been the same since.
Devin Duvernay – WR, Texas
Strength: Runs like he hates humanity as he blasts through tacklers.
Or as I simply like to call it, “running.”
Troy Dye – LB, Oregon
Strength: Scouts say he keeps the locker room loose.
If it’s not like this, I’m not interested.
Trevis Gipson – DL, Tulsa
Weakness: Not enough sand in his pants at point of attack just yet.
Luckily for him, it is a requirement to post videos on social media of you training for the draft by running drills on a beach somewhere, so that should help fill his pants a bit.
Jake Fromm – QB, Georgia
Weakness: Began missing easy throws in November.
…really, only November? …of 2019?
KJ Hamler – WR, The Pennsylvania State University
Weakness: Lacks focus into traffic.
That’s what Lyft is for (this is an anti-Uber space) (unless Uber is significantly cheaper) (then I may have to put my previous experiences aside in the name of extreme frugality).
Harrison Hand – CB, Temple
Weakness: Hits but doesn’t wrap and run to seal the deal as tackler.
Wow, a man who refuses to use condoms — stop me if you’ve heard that one before!
Justin Herbert – QB, Oregon
Strength: Play actions are bought and sold.
There’s no way this was within NCAA regulations.
John Hightower – WR, Boise State
Weakness: Certified body catcher.
I’d have to agree that in this case, this is a weakness. There is a time and place for a hit man and the NFL just isn’t it. Ask Gregg Williams how those bounties went for him.
Khaleke Hudson – LB, Michigan
Weakness: His GPS sends him to heavily trafficked areas.
Has he never heard of Waze?
Trishton Jackson – WR, Syracuse
Weakness: Groundhog Day release needs more variety.
False. He never ever needs to see his shadow again. Come out, take a stroll in the sun, and never return to your hole.
BoPete Keyes – CB, Tulane
Weakness: Poor makeup speed to overcome coverage mistakes.
If Lil BoPete is having trouble getting the sheep corralled, maybe he just needs a taller fence or a sheep-sitter. Whatever it is, I’m sure the incoming NFL money will cover the costs.
Colton McKivitz – OL, WVU
Strength: Bonafide dirt dog with chippy demeanor.
Dirt dog? Hm, strange. I don’t remember dating him.
Josh Metellus – S, Michigan
Weakness: Would like him to feel it rather than have to see it.
Is this football or a regrettable one night stand over spring break?
Denzel Mims – WR, Baylor
Strength: Cushion chewer with some of the longest strides in the draft.
I don’t care how long his strides are — there’s an episode of My Strange Addiction for his problem and it can’t be unseen.
Jeff Okudah – CB, Ohio State
Strength: Maintains feel and eliminates safe space on vertical routes.
Uh oh, no safe space? Guess the 49ers won’t be trading up for him. Shame, we all saw what happened to Richard Sherman in the Super Bowl.
Scottie Phillips – RB, Ole Miss
Weakness: Sometimes confuses impatience with decisiveness.
This is why I’m likely going to be single until I’m at least 50. Impatience is my biggest flaw, so I don’t want to make a rash decision on a life partner. Obviously just that reason and nothing else. We could all learn a thing from Scottie. Forget the song, he does know. Everything.
Tyre Phillips – OL, Mississippi State
Strength: Built like a barn with broad, powerful frame.
And thus, will never get in the way of an Andy Dalton pass.
Shaquille Quarterman – LB, Miami
Strength: Always shows up to the party.
Unimportant. The real question on draft day is: Did his teammates show up to his?
Jalen Reagor – WR, TCU
Strength: Fluid but explosive.
Yikes, he might have a gastrointestinal virus.
Terrence Steele – OL, Texas Tech
Strength: Does a nice job of tagging and redirecting strays.
This would’ve been helpful to know when I was a kid and a shit ton of random cats kept showing up at our house. Probably cheaper than the exterminator my mom called.
Patrick Taylor – RB, Memphis
Strength: Built like a comic book hero.
Well, same, if we’re talking Tobey Maguire in Spiderman.
Evan Weaver – LB, Cal
Weakness: Won’t be a head-turner at the beach.
Two Super Bowl MVPs. Next question.
Tommy Townsend – P, Florida
Weakness: Pooch-flop technique is below average.
We can’t all be Michael Vick when it comes to flopping pooches around.
Josh Uche – LB, Michigan
Weakness: Feasted on lambs with much of his sack production.
Lambs = undrafted. Limbs = first round.
Kenny Willekes – DL, Michigan State
Weakness: Very little pressure against Michigan, Ohio State, Penn State and Wisconsin.
No worries, just every good school he played. He should be fine when he plays against the Bengals.
Darryl Williams – OL, Mississippi State
Weakness – Failed to find twisters against Alabama.
Alabama seems like a state where people are giving a lot of titty twisters, so this is a shame. Sorry to rip on the state again. It was an accident.
Antoine Winfield, Jr. – S, Minnesota
Weakness: Sluggish to recover when he bites too hard on the cheese.
Lactose intolerance is a bitch. Maybe this is why Minnesota got crushed by Wisconsin.
(Yes, I know Minnesota ruined Penn State’s season and he had two interceptions. Shut the fuck up.)
On a lighter note, Penn State’s THON is this weekend. I’m very proud of my little brother, Jake, who is the primary THON chair of his fraternity this year! For 46 straight hours, 700 PSU students will be standing or dancing — no sleeping, no sitting — as they do their part to raise money for their cause. Please consider donating and helping Penn State students fight the battle against childhood cancer here.
Sup Caroline? 