On Thursday nights during the NFL season, we are not treated to the plentiful feast that Sundays provide us. Rather, our gaping pie holes are fed a pleasant entrée that does its best to replenish what we have lost since the prior Monday, and strives to keep us full until we begin gorging ourselves with college football on Saturday afternoon. While Thursday night games are usually crucified, like the decision to order a salad (we can’t all have good metabolism genes — thanks Dad), there have been some very filling ones throughout the first seven weeks of the season. More “steak and potatoes,” if you will.
Speaking of steak, the game we have on tap for tonight features the Vikings and the Redskins — Kirk Cousins’ current and former teams. Cousins, as a man who steams his steak in aluminum foil on the grill, is likely familiar with the phrase “Revenge is a dish best served cold,” since there’s no way those steaks ever get cooked to a temperature that even the most ruthless of carnivores would be comfortable consuming.
One thing Captain Kirk has been cooking, though, are opposing teams’ secondaries. In his past two games, he’s thrown for 330+ yards and 4 touchdowns, and has almost made us all forget that his week one stat line blew all of our minds in the worst way imaginable:
…against the FALCONS, nonetheless. But hey, no back-breaking turnovers!
I digress. I’m not here to talk about how much of that $84 million Kirk Cousins is or isn’t worth. We may never know the answer, and at the end of the day, how much does anyone actually care?
Tonight, when the Redskins come to Minneapolis, it will be the first time Cousins has faced the team that placed the franchise tag on him so many times it felt like there probably should have been some sort of rule instated as a result. The team that, a few weeks ago, made Mitchell Trubisky look like he may have been worth at least a third-round pick in the 2017 Draft. That’s nearly unthinkable in present day, so yeah, Kirk is probably gonna light it up for the third week straight. But the Redskins’ incompetence is not the story. Tonight is THE KIRK COUSINS REVENGE GAME!
Of course I like that. I love that. Everyone loves a good revenge game. So much so, that this factor alone may ramp this game up from an appetizer to an entrée at a super fancy restaurant that consists of something marginally more substantial than eating your own thumb, to perhaps some grease-laden mozzarella sticks at the local Applebee’s. We’ll take what we can get.
Best served cold, yes, that’s for certain. What else do they say about revenge, though? I took to the google machine to find out and assess this match-up further.
“Looking good is the best revenge.” -Ivana Trump
True, but I’m not sure it applies here. It’s practically a requirement to be good-looking if you’re going to be a quarterback, especially at the professional level. No one really cares about Kirk’s full head of blonde hair, well-kept beard, and piercing blue eyes (although it kind of sounds like I do, upon writing this down…).
“The best revenge in the world is success.” -Suge Knight
Everyone knows that being hot > everything else in life, so this is already a bit false, but I can concur that it certainly helps the cause. Does beating your old team, one as bad as the Redskins, = success? I’m going to say no, but at least it’s better than losing to them.
“In taking revenge, a man is but even with his enemy; but in passing it over, he is superior.” -Francis Bacon
…I’m sorry, did anyone else just fall asleep reading that? Being the bigger person? Get out of here with that weak-ass nonsense. This is the NFL. We want petty and we want it now. Not that winning a game is petty. Maybe just run up the score? Not that anyone has to be exacting revenge for that to happen against Washington… Whatever. Just no being “mature,” okay? Not in my NFL.
“Revenge can only be found on the road to self-destruction.” -Wayne Gerard Trotman
This may be a fair point, as trying to predict Cousins’ next total stinker of a game is nearly impossible. Even after all the trashing of the Redskins I’ve done, for all we know, today could be the day.
“Ruining someone else’s life for attention or revenge should also come with a price.” -Tomi Lahren
Looks like Kirk skirted around this one! Dan Snyder ruined the Redskins’ life all by himself, and the $84 million he saved does not seem to be paying any dividends.
“An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.” -Mahatma Gandhi
Yeah, so what? You can still ref a Conference USA game, according to Lane Kiffin. Perfectly fine way to make a living. Didn’t take Gandhi to be the judgy kind, gotta say.
“An eye for an eye is never enough. Never, never, never.” -Adrian Phoenix
Hell yeah, that’s what I’m talking about.
“I’m going to get even, I swear I will. Mark my words, I’m a pregnant, cranky woman with insomnia. I have time to plot my revenge.” -Kim Gruenenfelder
I have no idea who Kim is or what the context of this quote was, but I don’t want to find out. It made me laugh. Sometimes, ya just need to laugh, and leave it at that.
The Pick
This all being said, don’t overthink it. My NFL Sunday was a crushing 0-4 — thank God Penn State didn’t quite get to the point of killing me on Saturday night, or it would’ve hurt worse. Instead, I existed mostly in a state of disbelief throughout the rest of the weekend that numbed the pain of my gambling losses. I’m not sure if the disbelief came from the dreadful stalling of our offense in the second half, or the fact that we didn’t completely blow the game, but it was strangely helpful nonetheless.
I came to the conclusion that I got too cute with my picks on Sunday (obviously something I can’t help… jk, I’m not that conceited). Monday, I kept it square and took the Pats, and I’m sticking to it again here. Vikings. Home. TNF. Revenge Game. Oh, and the Redskins are what the experts call “very bad.” We’re going with the not-that-new man on the Minnesota Vikings. MIN -16.5
Sup Caroline? 