Good morning friends, haters, and anyone else who would not like to place themselves in either of those two categories but is still reading this for some reason. Today is Saturday, October 12, 2019, and it is…
NATIONAL SAVINGS DAY!
You thought I was gonna say GAMEDAY, didn’t you? “No Caroline, we read the title of the blog and weren’t really thrown off at all.”
I’m here to tell you that it’s a real shame that these two are both falling on this wonderful fall Saturday, because we’re about to break open our savings accounts and win some money today. There’s a good chance that most of you aren’t still very much in the red like I am, and don’t need to do that, but it’s the mentality that counts and will ultimately lead us to several gambling victories today. You’re willing to go there with me, if need be.
Saved money don’t MAKE money. Yeah, I just changed the quote. Because National Savings Day is for chumps. Just live in your parents’ house in Bumblefuck, PA in your mid-20’s and mooch off of them to passively save money. It’s not that hard. After awhile you just learn to accept the fact that even if you put your searching range up to 100 miles, you still aren’t finding any good Bumble matches. Today we are actively making money, so that people will want to date us because we’re rich, regardless of our psychotic tendencies and overall ineptitude in life. Be the slightly less awful you wish to see in this very messed up world.
Wow, do any churches out there need a preacher? That was good.
As for my gambling this week, it actually didn’t go that terribly. I’ve made a little bit of money the past two days — not a big deal. FYI, the college football picks I made last week went 6-2. So if you listened to me, congrats, you’re retiring early. Name your yacht after me and give me a seat, would ya?
Most notably, one of those two losses was a gut-wrenching half-point brutal beat by my boys in blue and white, which I have already apologized for, from the very bottom of my cold, black heart.
I went down with all of you on that sinking ship; I felt your pain. I also felt all the Trulys that I drank at 8:00 that morning, which is a whole different set of issues that I do not currently wish to address. How good is the lighting in that video, though? I’m sporting an exceptionally nice glow for someone who’s about to vomit for two separate reasons.
Anyway, let’s get to the point — you already know what’s coming first.
Penn State @ Iowa, 7:30 PM
Listen closely, okay? This is not another homer pick set to go awry (not that any of them are homerish whatsoever). This is my CHAINS, TATTOOS, AND DREADLOCK-OF-THE-WEEK.
We don’t need to rehash the story — you all read the ridiculous letter that some 569-year-old Penn State “fan” wrote to my honorable captain, Jonathan Sutherland. First of all, Dave Petersen, next time tweet him from a burner, like a REAL man. Second of all, fuck you, but I’m sure the team thanks you for the motivation. As a proud member myself, I know I certainly do.
All I’ve been hearing this week is “Iowa at night, no one comes out alive, it’s different there, Penn State ain’t played nobody, waaaaaah.” Actually, people do come out alive. And thriving. Anyone watch last time PSU went there at night? I did. With a lot of rosé. On fourth & goal, down five, as time expired, here’s what I saw the Nittany Lions do:
“But Caroline, it’s a totally different team this time! No Trace, no Saquon!” they say, as if my love for this team didn’t consume me, and somehow I missed that.
Right, it is a completely different team with a slightly different staff. This time they won’t need a walk-off touchdown to win it. And when they do win, all I’m going to hear next week is “Well Iowa only scored 3 points against Michigan, so they suck. Penn State still hasn’t played anyone!” K.
You don’t think this game screams “Rally around your brothers? Do it for the guy battling next to you?” This team is already extremely close, and I can’t imagine that they’ve forgotten about this viral letter just yet. Put it in stone or put me in the ground. Penn State -3.5
Memphis @ Temple, 12:00 PM
My friend that pitched at Memphis (not to brag, I have lots of athlete friends and am also a former one myself) keeps giving me shit for not taking Memphis to cover so I’m putting this on here for him.
He also keeps blindly taking PSU because of me, so he deserves this mutual respect from my end. Also, Temple’s most impressive win is a close one over Maryland. No further explanation warranted. So here you go, Trey… they better do it again. Memphis -4.5
Michigan @ Illinois, 12:00 PM
I won’t be rude (wouldn’t be like me) and say that Michigan is going to lose, but I will say that they’re staring down that 7:30 PM whiteout in Happy Valley next week. Don’t get it confused, though —
Michigan is focused on Penn State. Illinois +23.5
Florida State @ Clemson, 3:30 PM
No one’s really talking about Clemson right now, but if they are, it’s typically along the lines of “What’s wrong with the Tigers? Is Trevor Lawrence average? Should they even be in the top 5?” After nearly losing to UNC two weeks ago and getting knocked out of their #1 spot, the feeling has been especially “meh” surrounding this team. Which is exactly why Clemson, fresh off a bye with the Semino-goods (made that up myself) coming into town, is set to show everyone that they still know how to throw up massive numbers on offense.
I hate spreads this large (27.5) unless they’re at brunch and include chocolate chip pancakes (or Penn State is the favorite). FSU still knows how to score at least a little, so I could see the two teams putting their differences aside and helping me score enough points to hit this over. I wouldn’t doubt that it’s actually discussed in pregame warm ups. You’d love to be paid a little more, Isaiah Simmons?
Yeah, me freakin too. Help a sister out. Over 59.5
Cincinnati @ Houston, 3:30 PM
In case you missed the absurdly long twitter thread yesterday (or just didn’t feel like reading it, for which I could not blame you), Houston is going through some ~stuff~ right now. Here’s the (THREAD), if you have a bit more energy today:
If not, just know that this (now former) player is accusing Dana Holgersen of tanking and wanting seniors to take redshirts, so that they don’t waste eligibility on what could be a very bad season. Which is weird, but sounds legal?
Regardless, these accusations are likely to fire up Holgersen and company, and perhaps they’ll be inspired to come out and prove this guy wrong by actually winning a game! Plus, Cincinnati was just crowned the new National Champions last week, and have probably got their guard down while riding a high. Houston is +7, but I haven’t given out any moneyline bets yet, and this feels like it could be the one. I’m always good for one CFB moneyline bet on Saturday. This is how all solid betting advice sounds, right? Houston ML
Florida @ LSU, 8:00 PM
Everything about this 13.5-point spread is telling each and every one of our square little souls to stay far away from this game. Up in your grill, sweating profusely, and screaming at an unfathomable decibel level. Which is exactly why we have to take a stand and a wild ride on the side that feels like a death wish.
“Those who stand for nothing fall for anything.” -Alexander Hamilton
Do you want that to be you?!
Florida is coming down from an emotional win over Auburn, College Gameday is in Baton Rouge, and we’re talking that breathtakingly-lit Death Valley at night.
Boom, I just convinced you that this is a spectacular idea. LSU -13.5
Hawaii @ Boise State, 10:15 PM
Speaking of dreadlocks, I can’t quit Cole McDonald and the Rainbow Warriors. Can you picture him slinging those insane 50-50 balls on the blue turf? Sheeesh. I’m sweating, and it’s pretty cold outside.
Boise State only allows 178 passing yards per game, but they haven’t played this man yet:
So far this season, I’ve placed two live underdog moneyline bets on Hawaii and won both times. I now consider myself a Hawaii expert as a result. That’s just how it works. They begin this game at +380, but as is tradition, I’ll have to wait until it starts to see how it’s trending. Either way, the spread feels like cake and we’re covering it with rainbow funfetti frosting. Hawaii +13.5
Sup Caroline? 