Today is Monday, April 22, 2019, and the NFL Draft is this week, folks.
(Post-holiday) Monday = brutal.
NFL Draft = everything.
22 = makes me think of Taylor Swift’s timeless hit, “22.”
Ever since I began watching the NFL, way back in seventh grade, I’ve been obsessed with the Draft. The lure of it has never necessarily come in the sense that I study all of the players and predict when they’ll be chosen. One side of my brain, the nerdy accountant part, is enticed by the rule-bound, steady process by which it runs — round by round, pick by pick. Its other side, the side full of emotions and yet nearly devoid of them at the same time, enjoys ugly-crying every time I see a 260-lb monster of a man bawling on a couch surrounded by his family and friends because his life just changed forever.
So where does T-Swift fit into all of this? As I previously noted, today is the 22nd of the month. It also just so happens that she has been teasing the Friday release of a new song that will undoubtedly get stuck in my head for the next five months (if the “Old Town Road Remix” ever leaves). Combine all of this with her old song and the impending Draft, and you get a late-night blog about me trying to mix “22” lyrics with players that have been drafted #22 every year since I began watching it (2007).
If you’ve never heard the song, 1. I feel bad for you, and 2. Please educate yourself here.
It feels like a perfect night to dress up like hipsters
And make fun of our exes, uh uh, uh uh.
[Brady Quinn, 2007 – After dating and flirting with almost a quarter of the NFL teams, he retired and married Alicia Sacramone, an Olympic gymnast. Talk about an upgrade!]
It feels like a perfect night for breakfast at midnight
[Rashaan Evans, 2018 – I assume that in order to be a linebacker at Alabama, you’re shoveling food in your face at all hours of the day.]
To fall in love with strangers, uh uh, uh uh.
[DeMaryius Thomas, 2010 – After spending most of his career with the Broncos and a short stint with the Texans last year, Thomas is onto the Patriots. That’s one stranger I’m sure he wouldn’t mind getting to know a little better.]
Yeah,
We’re happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time
It’s miserable and magical.
[Percy Harvin, 2009 – 2-time National Champ, Rookie of the Year, Super Bowl Champ, and a Pro Bowler. Percy Harvin was incredibly electric, and he experienced so many highs throughout his football career. Unfortunately, much of it was marred by injuries, and he eventually had to retire due to severe migraines.]
Oh, yeah
Tonight’s the night when we forget about the deadlines
It’s time
Uh oh!
I don’t know about you
But I’m feeling 22
Everything will be alright
If you keep me next to you
[Anthony Castanzo, 2011 – Everyone needs a big, beefy left tackle to protect their blindside. It’s not his fault Andrew Luck is made of glass.]
You don’t know about me
But I’ll bet you want to
Everything will be alright
If we just keep dancing like we’re
22, ooh-ooh
22, ooh-ooh
It seems like one of those nights,
This place is too crowded.
Too many cool kids, uh uh, uh uhÂ
[Brandon Weeden, 2012 – Drafted into the NFL at the old-as-shit age of 28, Weeden had to have been feeling wildly uncomfortable around all the hip 22-year-olds that surrounded him at every turn. He was definitely using Belichick terms such as “Snapface” and “Instachat,” except he was trying to convince his teammates that he actually did use them. No one was fooled, Brandon.]
It seems like one of those nights,
We ditch the whole scene and end up dreaming
Instead of sleeping.
Yeah,
We’re happy, free, confused, and lonely in the best way
[Felix Jones, 2008 – He had a happy time with the Cowboys, then signed a free agent deal with the Eagles, just to be traded to the Steelers a few months later. Not long after that, Jones was on the outside of the NFL looking in. NFL? Not For Long, folks.]
It’s miserable and magical.
Oh, yeah
Tonight’s the night when we forget about the heartbreaks
[The artist formerly known as Johnny (now John) Manziel, 2014 – Poor JF made it out of the CFL and into the AAF, just to get hurt and to watch the league collapse shortly after. Between this and ending his marriage, the heartbreaks have been aplenty… but I still don’t think we’ve seen the last of him.]
It’s time
Uh oh! (hey!)
I don’t know about you
But I’m feeling 22
Everything will be alright
If you keep me next to you
You don’t know about me
But I’ll bet you want to
[Desmond Trufant, 2013 – I can’t say I watch much Atlanta football, but I’ll assume he’s a normal, decent human being — which would explain why I literally know nothing about him. It looks like he signed a sweet $68.5 million deal back in 2017, though. Good for you, Mr. Trufant. I’d love to learn more.]
Everything will be alright (alright)
If we just keep dancing like we’re
22, ooh-ooh (oh, oh, oh)
22, ooh-ooh
I don’t know about you
22, ooh-ooh
22, ooh-ooh
It feels like one of those nights,
We ditch the whole scene.
It feels like one of those nights,
We won’t be sleeping.
It feels like one of those nights,
You look like bad news.
[Bud Dupree, 2015 – 6’4″, 269 (nice) pounds, and a head full of dreads that mean business. Would you wanna try and block this guy?]
I gotta have you,
I gotta have you.
Ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh, ye-e-e-e-eah, hey
I don’t know about you (I don’t know about you)
But I’m feeling 22
Everything will be alright
If you keep me next to you
You don’t know about me (you don’t know about me)
But I’ll bet you want to
Everything will be alright
[Josh Doctson, 2016 – The mantra of of every player on the Redskins trying to convince themselves of the opposite of what they know to be true — things are not alright.]
If we just keep dancing like we’re
22, ooh-ooh
[Charles Harris, 2017 – Two years ago, when he was 22, he was fresh out of college, ready to be drafted and begin his amazing future in the NFL. Little did he know, he’d be drafted by the Dolphins. Money aside, I have to imagine his dance moves were full of much more life back then… plus, he played in the $EC, so.]
22, ooh-ooh
22, ooh-ooh, yeah, yeah
22, ooh-ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah
It feels like one of those nights,
We ditch the whole scene
[?????, 2019 – As it stands today, the Ravens are the owners of this pick. However, I would not be shocked if they ditch night one entirely and trade back into the second round, as they do almost every draft. Shout-out to my friend Hope, who loses sleep waiting for her Ravens to pick every year, just for them to trade out.]
It feels like one of those nights,
We won’t be sleeping
It feels like one of those nights,
You look like bad news,
I gotta have you,
I gotta have you.
Sup Caroline? 