What offseason?! Am I right? Ahh, how beautiful.
If you happened to miss the online explosion that occurred last night when the Giants traded Odell Beckham Jr. to the Browns, the only excuse that I will accept for your troubling mishap is that you live under a rock. While rare, a rock is a perfectly acceptable form of habitat and by no means a diss at you or Patrick Star. However, you missed out on endless twitter jokes and pandemonium, so I’ll assume your life is fairly devoid of purpose, thrill, and random people you’ve never met trying to fight you. Which is a shame. (Again, not a diss.)
As the news spread like wildfire, many tweeters were caught up in what the monumental trade meant for the Browns’ suddenly high-flying offense, and how much money people were about to bet and inevitably lose on them when the Patriots win the Super Bowl again next year. Some were wondering if an award for Worst GM of the Year had recently been created, and if perhaps Dave Gettleman once set a lifelong goal to wear that crown. Others googled “Jabrill Peppers” and tried to figure out how he got caught up in this mess. ‘Twas all fun and games, but what everyone should be talking about — concerned about — is a young gentleman by the name of Saquon Barkley. You might know him… he won Rookie of the Year and dons some of the pearliest whites you’ve ever had the privilege to be blinded by.
If that smile doesn’t melt you into a mushy puddle of heart-eye emojis, do not fret, as I’ve just put out an APB for your soul. Not only was OBJ one of Saquon’s best friends — lovingly introducing him as “Saquads Barkley” at the NFL Honors — but OBJ’s presence was the only source of hope that Saquon could turn to during the team’s tough times (so, like every day). While I am delighted that Beckham’s trade to the Browns will make it even easier for Baker Mayfield to prove that Colin Cowherd is certifiably insane, my heart is broken for a remarkable man and player who deserves so much more than what he continues to receive.
Standing true to the woman of honor and integrity that I vowed to be when I started this blog, I will be the first to admit that I saw no problem with the Giants drafting Saquon at #2 overall last year. I stood firmly by that decision all season, as I watched him embarrass defenders with ridiculous ease and win me $350 in the process.
“See!” I assured myself, “How stupid would they have looked if they passed on the clearest form of a generational talent?” Yes, technically it was a “wasted year” of tread on his tires (but them thighs though), as the Giants managed a meager five wins, but next year had an optimistic look of promise. Unfortunately, it appears the Giants’ front office realized that they tanked unsuccessfully last year, and they must try again by entering give-up mode as early as possible. How pumped are you to see Eli Manning flop helplessly on the turf for another sixteen games? Specifically, while Giants play the Cowboys on Sunday Night Football in week one for the millionth time in a row.
The blatant injustice of Saquon Barkley’s situation is sickening, and as it stands right now, he has a few different options to rectify the madness:
1. Fake his own death – Extreme? Honestly, maybe not enough. It worked out pretty well for Bart Bass on Gossip Girl, so that certainly renders it a valid path to take. Bart sat out of life for a few years, but he was kind of an awful person, so no one really missed him. If Saquon was gone for just a day, I know his absence would put me and others out of commission for the foreseeable future. Everyone would be so happy upon his eventual return that they’d likely forget how cruel of a joke he’d just pulled and let him restart his career on the team of his choosing. It would only be fair.
2. Just run away – With the franchise-torching moves Gettleman has been making with complete disregard for Saquon’s talents, it’s possible that he does not remember that Saquon is on the team at all. Even if Gettleman does wake up down the road, no one is catching that superhuman of a man once he takes off running. This option is relatively simple, and it may be the most foolproof.
3. Pretend his baby is allergic to garbage – Who doesn’t love babies? As the father to the adorable 10-month-old Jada Clare, Saquon’s job is to protect her at all costs, which includes managing any allergies she may possess. “Garbage” sounds like a weird one to have, but parents are inventing new allergies for their kids every day, so there’s no reason that Saquon can’t do the same. As it pertains to the Giants, it’s wildly unhealthy for Jada to be around all that trash, and New York City is kinda dirty too. How disgusting would it look for the Giants to keep Saquon on the team while his daughter was in a harmful situation? Horrible.
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4. Bleach your mustache and demand a trade – It’s a look so nightmare-inducing that teams cannot get rid of the player fast enough, should he choose to be so bold and brave. I’d mention that it’s such a terrifying sight that teams are giving players up for significantly less than they are worth, but since Saquon is dealing with the Giants, that point is irrelevant. I’d also mention that he could end up on a disastrous team as a result of a quick decision, but again… you know where I’m going with this.
5. Poison Eli Manning (I’m sorry this list has been a little dark) – Since Eli’s mouth is permanently unhinged, there are endless opportunities for this plan to come to fruition. Flies would be the preferred method of delivery. I’m NOT condoning murder, but I’m sure one of Saquon’s millions of followers knows how to do this in a manner that simply keeps him out of next season, ultimately forcing the Giants to realize that it’s time to cut the cord. At this point, it appears inconceivable that anything but poison will be able to stop the unrelenting force that is Archie Manning, so yeah, it came to this.
6. Cry – Last resort, but it usually works for me.
Sup Caroline? 