I Stand With Kyler Murray

No, really — I literally stand with him, since we both tower over our inferiors at the polarizing height of five feet, nine inches (allegedly). And as I’m sure you’ve heard by now, the haters have their doubts that he even clears this low of a bar:

Alas, we will have our answer soon. But what’s so life-ruining about being 5’9″, anyway? So far, so good on my end.

Occasionally, when I pose for a picture with my vertically-challenged friends, or I give them a hug, it looks like my children dragged me out for mom’s wild night on the town and/or I am about to swallow them whole with my absurdly long wingspan. Both of which can be moderately strange sights to see.

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Other than that, I enjoy being five-nine.

Unfortunately, my NFL Combine invitation appears to have gotten lost in the mail (again), so Kyler Murray and I won’t be getting poked, prodded, and measured together later this week. It’s getting a bit ridiculous at this point, but I’d be lying if I said I was currently ready for bikini season, so, whatever. Let it be known, however, that I am ready for my NFL debut, and also am entirely capable of holding a staunch grudge. Could you imagine how badly announcers would run the tale of my (failed) college swimming career (even further) into the ground?

Anyway… the point is that while I am being denied my chance to play in the NFL, former Oklahoma quarterback Kyler Murray will be getting his before you can even say, “Let’s face it, baseball is bor–” (…sorry I fell asleep). And while I am content with the altitude level at which I see the world, it does not bode very well for the position Murray plays. Sure, he’s an incredibly talented Heisman-winning quarterback, but scouts drool at 6’6″ (same tbh), and scoff at 5’9″ (rude).

Although I am not a statistician, I’d estimate that 97% of the pre-draft talk will be concerning the skepticism surrounding this kid’s “tough” luck in the genetic draw. Which is fine, because as long as it’s a topic of discussion, I will keep shamelessly exploiting it for likes and retweets. However, after some extensive research* (*first website that popped up on Google), I have reason to believe that Kyler Murray’s lack of an imposing stature will play to his advantage in the NFL.

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Us five-niners have to stick together, and I have his back, degrading Google-searches aside. It was for science.

In an article written by Lauren Vinopal on Fatherly, she lists the “scientifically backed benefits of being a short man.” I have no idea if this is legitimate at all, even though most things you read on the internet are solid facts, but I’m going to proceed with it as such. She has either done real research, or her man is seven inches shorter than her and she is making this all up in order to convince her friends that it’s totally fine and she’s totally fine. Or a mix of both. Either way, let’s get into it. I’m with you, Lauren.

1. His brain receives information faster.

Ohhh, okay, maybe Paxton Lynch has been an awful waste of a first-round pick because he’s SO tall! Probably not. But the slow pace at which the brain perched atop his 6’7″ frame receives information surely has not helped him. If Lynch and his long road to comprehension warranted the use of a first-rounder, Kyler Murray is a lock at #1 overall, no? He’s so short he may be clairvoyant.

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Ever think of that, height-shamers?

2. He has a reduced risk of blood clots.

If Kyler’s left tackle ever accidentally lets him get his leg chopped in half, he should have a better chance of playing again if he is less likely to form blood clots. Sewing his leg back together would be an entirely different set of issues, but hey, at least the blood will flow a bit smoother along the way to a potential recovery. Baby steps!

3. He may possess “the longevity gene.”

Well, duh. How do you think Drew Brees has performed at such a high level for so long? (Ignore the fact that Tom Brady is 6’4″. Robots who have eliminated 99.99% of foods from their diet are not included in this highly scientific discussion.) By my math, Kyler Murray will likely remain in peak playing shape until he is 75 years old. And I don’t mean the shape old man Brett Favre thought he was in during his stint with the Vikings. No one will be dying on the field.

4. His falls won’t be as hard.

As songbird of our generation Pitbull once said in “Timber,” the timeless collaboration with Kesha, “The bigger they are, the harder they fall.” He also said, “This biggity boy’s a diggity dog,” which has nothing to do with Kyler Murray, but nonetheless felt notable.

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Being the mobile quarterback that Murray is, he’ll likely be taking a significant number of tumbles. When he goes down (yelling timber), the defense better be prepared to move, and they better be prepared to dance. Thanks to his height, Murray’s chances of popping right up, sans herniated disc, will be unlike any bounce-backability the NFL has ever seen before.

5. There’s a chance that he’s well-endowed.

Shout-out to Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson for making “Big Dick Energy” popular in the past year. According to the article, the connection between the two factors is “consistently weak,” but notes that at the very least, the man’s short stature will create a more favorable illusion. Add the tightness of Kyler’s football pants, and boom! The BDE is undeniable, and is certain to strike fear in the hearts of his taller opponents that are clearly, uh, compensating for something. Thank u, next.

6. His romantic relationships will have more success.

Girls are nothing but distractions, am I right? (I can say that since I am one.) Remember when Tony Romo was dating Jessica Simpson? We’ll never know if she was a convenient excuse for Cowboys fans to blame his poor play on, or if he just sucked in clutch moments. It will forever be extremely tough to determine.

The less off-the-field headaches Kyler Murray is managing, the more time and energy he has available to focus on his playbook, and to also probably cheat on a potential girlfriend. Some would say he’s not a true NFL player without the latter. Playbooks are ~meh~ on the importance scale in comparison.


Kyler Murray and the other future NFL gunslingers will be measured this coming Thursday, and I don’t know about you, but I’m actually hoping he comes in at 5’4″, because I’ve convinced myself that it would give him the optimal chance at success. But no matter what happens, at least he didn’t choose baseball.

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