It’s Snack Saturday & I’m Not Talking About Myself

The three F’s: Faith, Family, and Football. Three simple, yet meaningful words that you’ll find prominently displayed throughout the twitter bios of football players and coaches at every level of the game.

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If he’s gonna give a nod to Future, I’d also throw in “F*ck Up Some Commas” — underrated football hype song.

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And with good reason. While I cannot argue that these are three tremendous words for some folks to live by, I find myself replacing the first “F” with one that rests a little closer to my heart. An official count has never been kept, but I’m confident in saying that I have been to church fewer times than I have stepped foot in the DMV (which isn’t many, because I have shockingly never lost my license while blackout drunk). My Sundays are either for football or crying about the lack of football in my life.

The highly coveted awards for the three F’s in my life belong to Family, Football, and… drum roll please… FOOD!

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(I don’t mean the verb form, just the word in general. It “escapes” my mouth far too often to not get at least a snowflake ribbon, you know?)

Would you like to know the simplest way to detect a sociopath? Find anyone who says they only eat “for fuel” or “nourishment” or a related fallacy of the sort. No further analysis needed — that’s it. You’ve found your sociopath. Additionally, uttering the statement “I forgot to eat today” around dinnertime is also cause for concern, but does not immediately render that person a sociopath. If use of this phrase becomes frequent, I would begin to cut the cord on this relationship, unless you’d prefer that he or she cuts you first. Your choice.

Say it with me: DELICIOUS FOOD IS ONE OF LIFE’S GREATEST PLEASURES! The portion of my wardrobe that does not fit quite as well as it once did seems to have mysteriously shrunken wishes that I believed otherwise, but it’s simply not true. Just because I don’t physically attend church, it does not mean that I will walk around and spread nefarious lies! I have some morals.

Now here we are, on the Saturday before the Super Bowl, and chances are that you haven’t even begun to contemplate what you’re going to bring to the party tomorrow. While nearly just as delightful as a homemade recipe, you probably don’t want to take the store-bought route. This is the last (sorry I brought it up) game of the NFL season! Spice it up a little, lazypants (hypocritical request).

My teeth are so sweet that some sort of divine intervention must have prevented me from getting a cavity after nearly twenty-five years of chocolate-covered chocolate with a side of chocolate. Since I dream of delectable desserts at night, and I know you do too, I’ve taken it upon myself to find the perfect** treat for everyone at your party to devour. Like Tony Romo, I’m calling it before it happens — you’re gonna love it.

**The easiest dessert I could find after deciding to write this last minute blog that also did not require an oven. The ovens in each of my last two apartments have nearly burned both down (NOT MY FAULT), so I essentially refuse to open an oven ever again.

Football Rice Krispy Treats at www.thatswhatchesaid.com

I mean, can you get any more Super Bowl-centric than these cute little flattened prolate spheroids of gooey chocolate goodness? These pictures display the end goal — your own, edible Lombardi to strive for in the kitchen. Being the woman of the people that I am, with a reputation to hold up, I first tested these treats on my own to ensure that they were worth your efforts. I’m no MasterChef, but one time a very nice gentleman, who is presumably having a TON of sex, replied to one of my tweets with “kitchen,” so at least someone thinks I have a rightful place in there.

Let’s begin, shall we?

Ingredients:

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Yes, that is a Casamigos tequila bar mat on my table. If you’d like to be as cool as me, I’m not sure if/where they are available for purchase because I stole this from an event.

  • 4 cups chocolate crispy cereal
  • 4 cups mini marshmallows
  • 3 tablespoons butter
  • Vanilla frosting*

*All that my sad excuse for a Target had was white chocolate chips, so I melted those to use instead. You’re crazier than Jon Gruden if you think I checked multiple stores for this. I’ve always been Team Chocolate anyway. For desserts, too.

Instructions:

1. Begin by melting the butter in a large pot over medium heat. Add marshmallows and heat until melted and smooth. Be sure not to burn the mixture.

The first step was easy enough. I hadn’t used my stove in quite some time and it gave off a bit of an odor, which took me back to the time a few months ago when I accidentally caught a paper towel on fire (my fault this time). After doing a quick check to ensure that my stovetop was clear, my heart rate returned to normal and I was able to complete the simple task.

 

2. Add cereal and mix until incorporated.

Chocolate cereal and plain melted marshmallows go together like Nick Foles and the Eagles after Carson Wentz breaks or tears another part of his delicate body. At first you’re not entirely sure if your plan will come together, and it’s a little crunchy. If you just give it a little time, let your fears dissipate, you will soon watch it all come together like an incredible work of art. You won’t be able to remember the part of your life where this combination didn’t exist.

After all of the treats have been scarfed down, some will say, “Why can’t we just make some more? My tastebuds have never danced in the way that they did while experiencing life with this life-changing, baking championship-worthy combination.”

Inevitably, someone who pulls more rank will tell you, “Well, I’ve had these broken plain Cheerios and those multi-colored marshmallows that taste like cardboard sitting here for some time, and I paid a lot of money to get them. But the marshmallows are SO pretty and the Cheerios are just too classic to pass up on. Let’s just use those instead.”

And then you’ll cry when those chocolate cereal and plain marshmallows are in a Jaguars jersey next time you see them.

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3. Let cool for approximately 1.5 hours on counter.

I always get nervous when I’m forced to pause in the middle of a process. I leave charcoal face masks on for about an hour longer than instructed. Preparation for a night out is significantly prolonged by the “quick rest” I take after a shower (and then I usually end up bailing). So when I stopped creating my masterpiece, hopped in bed, and nearly become one with it, I got nervous I’d never finish and leave you to bring a sad bag of chips to the festivities. Luckily, I got hungry, so I was able to resurrect the treats from what seemed to be a certain death by accidental nap.

 

4. Roll a compact ball slightly larger than a golf ball of the mixture and then press flat on parchment paper.

When I was about ten years old, my sister and I took a single golf lesson at our local country club, because for a hot second my parents decided we should be “country club people.”

Narrator: They were not country club people. 

While the lesson proved to be the most boring and unproductive hour of my existence, it did teach me how to form these sticky golf balls, and for that I am forever indebted to it.

 

5. Form into football shape.

My classmates and I did an absurd amount of cheating in tenth grade geometry, so I learned even less in that class than every other pointless course I endured over eighteen years of schooling.

Luckily, I was able to persevere yet again, and “do my job” just as Bill Belichick would have wanted me to. Flattening the golf balls into footballs required me to exert much more strength that I was prepared to, so it also motivated me to go to the gym afterwards. That, and I’d eaten quite a lot of the mixture by the time I was done.

 

6. Once cool, use a small icing tip to add frosting to the treats for the details and laces of the football.

If there’s one thing in life that I am not fancy enough to own, it would be one of those little icing tips. Instead, I cut a hole in a sandwich bag and it worked surprisingly well. This, after I cut the hole way too big the first time and made a total mess. Gotta love those problem-solving skills! Didn’t get my masters in accounting for nothing.

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*Peep the Nittany Lion in the back

7. Enjoy!

Oh, I did. Diet starts Monday. Saturdays & Sundays are for the snacks.

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