Yes.
…what, you wanted me to actually research this?
Would Kliff Kingsbury have gotten hired to two big name jobs in a single off-season, one being a jump from college to the NFL, if we did not so thoroughly enjoy looking at his face during introductory press conferences?
Would Jimmy Garoppolo have been signed to a five-year, $137.5 million contract after starting just seven career games if his nickname did not include the acronym for “Gentleman’s Quarterly” Magazine?
I mean, Jesus Christ. Look at him. It took me half an hour to choose that picture because I couldn’t fathom how every single one of them was so beautifully flawless. I still don’t even know if I picked the right one, but after taking another half hour to clean the drool out of my keyboard, I figured it was time to end the search.
Okay sorry sorry I had to put in one more. That’s it. Moving on.
*frantically cooling myself off with little-to-no success*
Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, being hot — it helps. However, this is certainly not to take away from anything Kliff or Jimmy have done this year. The Cardinals have already tied their number of wins from last year, and Kyler Murray seems to be making strides each week, regardless of the fact there’s no way he stands above my own 5’9″ frame. On the other hand, Jimmy G’s defense is on fire, but you can’t take deny that he’s helped spring the resurgent 49ers into a 7-0 start.
Unfortunately, for the rest of us, we can’t all be so lucky. If you’re reading this, and you have been facially blessed in a similar manner, that means you also know that while I am not an Instagram model, I am pretty funny, so I’d just like to let you know that the door to my DMs has been left ajar.
Fortunately, according to betterhelp, a random website I do not know the reputability of, there are ways to help ourselves inch just ever-so-slightly closer to being as attractive as these individuals.
“Smile more often.”
Ugh, gross. Can’t I just fawn over Jimmy’s instead? …oh, okay, I guess I see the point.
“Wear bright colors.”
They do both belong to teams that wear bright red, but that’s really going to screw up my all-black (with a touch of Penn State blue) wardrobe.
“Be honest.”
Gonna need to know if this includes or does not include not having a filter and constantly offending people because of it. To me, that’s honesty.
“Have a sense of humor.”
Nailed it.
“Get a dog.”
If I wanted to spend thousands of dollars to become more attractive, I’d do it all at once and just get plastic surgery. Not attempt care for another living thing and have to pay for emergency vet visits.
“Be kind and show empathy.”
Well, then I’d have to stop blogging and delete my twitter.
“Practicing good hygiene.”
This feels like something that shouldn’t have to be listed as a “helpful tip.”
“Don’t stress out.”
If stress burned calories, I’d be a supermodel. Apparently, it does not, and thus, I do not have very many Instagram followers or a lucrative career selling appetite-suppressing lollipops.
“Hang out with your friends.”
Friends? Why do you think I spend all day on the internet talking to strangers?
“Be emotionally stable.”
And on that note, I think we’re done here.
The Pick
All of this being said and sweated over, and both sides having advantages due to hotness, I believe that the hotter man (I hope you don’t need me to tell you that this is Jimmy G) will win, and win big. The 49ers can score and don’t let others score on them. In terms of points per game allowed, the Cardinals have a better defense than the Bucs, Falcons, and Dolphins. So I don’t care who’s suiting up at RB tonight for San Francisco — the Cardinals will be seeing ghosts tonight on Halloween. This one’s like taking candy from a baby in a costume his parents forced him to wear so that they could get existence-validating likes on the ‘gram. 49ers -10.5
Sup Caroline? 