The end of the year is a time to reminisce, reflect, and set goals for the upcoming year. It can be an extremely eye-opening exercise and very useful for those who want to make a big change in their lives (or at least pretend they do). What’s even better is when people post a deeply reflective (and sometimes concerning) two thousand-word instagram caption underneath their “2018 Best Nine” that literally no one wants to read or squint to look at the nine tiny pictures that accompany it. I’d rather try and use that weird Instagram update we were almost stuck with than scroll through all of these novels and collages.
But alas, this upcoming internet event is inevitable. And regardless of whether or not anyone wants to read about it (they probably don’t), self-reflection is always needed. So to try and fit in with everyone else on social media over the next few days, I thought I would summarize each NFL team’s season in the way that’s easiest to digest: a gif and a quote. And let’s be honest, we’ve all ~physically~ been at work this month, but the wheels have not been turning for most of December, so reading is sort of a tough task right now.
Saints
“Another wide receiver whose name I do not know got that wide open again?! This is too easy!” -Drew Brees
Rams
“We’ve had some good times together, but not good enough to dismiss all of your downright disgraceful actions.” -Fantasy owners and gamblers to Todd Gurley
Chiefs
“Look at me throw a pass in this ridiculously twisted motion that somehow launches the ball 80 yards downfield with perfect placement right into my receiver’s arms!” -Patrick Mahomes
Chargers
“Is the media actually covering us this season?” -Chargers
Bears
“OMFG Khalil Mack literally just sat on Aaron Rodgers. He’s the best player of all time. Please do that again, do it again.” -Bears fans
Patriots
“We’re gonna play forever! …now can you hand me my cane?” -Tom Brady to Rob Gronkowski
Texans
~Every time Deshaun Watson takes off running and dives with a full head of steam~ -Texans fans
Seahawks
“Wow, I used to help him out in English class because he wore giant Beats on his ears while I paid attention.” -Me, watching Mike Davis make a name for himself in the Seahawks running attack, before I go grocery shopping at Wawa
Ravens
“Anyone on this team have a pulse?!” -Lamar Jackson, coming in to start in Week 11
Cowboys
“The NFC East is utter trash but we’re the fresh trash on top! America’s team we’re back babyyy!” -Cowboys
Colts
“Yeah, these hands catch passes now. You might call ’em magic. What of it?” -Eric Ebron
Vikings
“This may have been a better use of the $84 million we gave to Kirk Cousins. At least we’re warm now. This city is cold as shit.” -Vikings front office
Titans
“How long has Marcus Mariota been on the Titans? 30 years? Do we know if he’s good yet or no?” -Fans who randomly catch a Titans game here and there
Steelers
“Ah crap, another pick? Alright quick guys pretend I’m dead for a sec so everyone forgets.” -Ben Roethlisberger
Eagles
“Hey everyone, sorry it took me awhile to get here. Sometimes it’s hard to walk when you’re this bottom-heavy. Ready to save the season now. Y’all miss me?” -BD St. Nick Foles
Browns
“Should we let the offense run around a little now that Hue and Haley are gone? That is the object of the game after all.” -Gregg Williams & Freddie Kitchens
Redskins
“Another mediocre quarterback snapped his leg in half? That’s fine, plenty more where that came from. Next man up on the QB carousel, just like I planned.” -Jay Gruden
Dolphins
“Did you see us beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl in Week 14? Did you see that crazy touchdown at the end? Did you see how many yards it was?” ~wink~ -Dolphins
Packers
“We suck? Whatever, just let me coach myself.” -Aaron Rodgers
Bengals
“Hue Jackson got fired, what do you think? Looks like a pretty solid addition to the coaching staff if you put on one of these bad boys, here try it out. Andy Dalton actually plays with one a lot.” -Bengals front office
Broncos
“Oh dearest Swag Kelly, why can’t you go ten minutes without doing something insane? I’ve been lying to myself… Case Keenum isn’t the answer, it’s you…” -John Elway
Falcons
“Great, there goes another one of us.” -Falcons defense
Panthers
“After further review, Riverboat Ron is not on the hot seat. He has been rowing blindfolded this year to avoid the creatures, so he gets a pass.” -Panthers front office
Jaguars
“Blake Bortles sucks. Never mind, Cody Kessler is worse. Time to pick the B.O.A.T. up off the ocean floor and put him back in the huddle where he belongs.” -Doug Marrone
Buccaneers
“Remember the first four weeks of the season when Ryan Fitzpatrick was wearing Desean Jackson’s clothes and throwing four touchdowns every game? Oh, how I love to reminisce…” -Buccaneers fans
Bills
“Might destroy, might get destroyed. Can’t ever be too sure.” -Bills
Giants
“You thought I forgot that everyone said I was drafted too high? Lol.” -Saquon Barkley
Lions
“I would prefer that my husband keeps getting paid exorbitant amounts of money for continuously missing the playoffs, so please stop making fun of him.” -Kelly Stafford
Raiders
“You get one of our best players! You get one of our best players! You get one of our best players! And I get $100 million!!!!” -Jon Gruden
Jets
“Who the hell is that guy that just caught a pass?” -Jets fans
Cardinals
“Why does poor Larry Fitzgerald still play for the Cardinals?” -Everyone, including Larry Fitzgerald
Happy New Year!
Sup Caroline? 