Topgolf: Dos & Don’ts From A Freshly Anointed Expert

After spilling my guts in a bit of a mental health blog yesterday, many of you kindly reached out to offer words of advice, encouragement, and the like. One recurring theme was the idea that life gets a little brighter when you venture out to find new things to try as often as you can, or you make an attempt to take a few positives away from each day that you have the privilege to be on this earth. Very quickly, I put these words of advice into action in my own life:

Not only did I go to Topgolf last night, but I did so on a date — another pain point of my mid-20s. Everyone thinks they want a significant other until someone wants to be theirs, and suddenly you’re shuddering at the sheer thought of being committed to a person other than the amazing person that is your own damn self. But alas, we are TRYING NEW THINGS IN 2021, so I popped into that Uber after chugging a can of 12% ABV wine and made my way across town. If anything, “first time at Topgolf” was something I’d been wanting to cross off the list.

The outing did not last particularly long, due to the fact that it was freezing and I was bored with both how astonishingly bad I was and also the Hinge date, but I like to think I still came away from the night with a few valuable lessons from my new experience.

Do

Wear the fake eyelashes

I’m not sure that this applies to more than maybe one person reading this (hi Mom), but don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game. Even if you end up playing terribly, at least you’ll be nice to look at. It would be rude of me to blame my poor play on the falsies, so I say wear them no matter what level of performance you’re aiming for.

Keep drinking

Much like beer pong or an early morning hungover swim practice, it doesn’t make a ton of sense, but somehow, you’re going to play better with a little bit of alcohol in your system. It’s just science. Chemicals ‘n shit. While I was certainly lacking in skill, there was still a discernible point in the night where somehow I got even worse, as the alcohol from the 12% wine and one skinny margarita began to wear off.

“But Caroline, you were on a date, why didn’t you let the guy buy you a few more drinks?” Well how was I supposed to let him know I was bored and wanted to leave if I didn’t start pounding 22 oz. waters? God forbid I just be forward and tell him it was time for me to bounce.

Go with a big group of people

I imagine it would be more fun than a date you realized you didn’t feel like being on as soon as you got in the car. Plus, if you suck, it’s easier to hide at the table and avoid actually having to take your turn.

Fill out the email survey the next day

It takes like three minutes and you get $10 off your next visit. #NotAnAdButImListeningIfTopgolfWantsToTalk

Don’t

Wear three-inch-heeled Timberlands

Admittedly, this should probably go without saying, but here we are. Before this week, I don’t think I’d touched a golf club since my family joined a country club that we never went to when I was about ten years old, and my mom thought it was necessary for my sister and I to partake in golf lessons. Unfortunately, that single lesson that we attended in the summer heat and disgusting east coast humidity did not cover proper footwear, so you can’t really fault me for this one. Unlike the eyelashes, this was not an easy fashion choice to overcome.

Take yourself too seriously

First of all — don’t be a tryhard.

Second, my better swings came just as I’d accepted the fact that I was not very good. Just when I thought I was out, Topgolf pulled me back in, so that on the next swing I could smack the club into the ground before hitting the ball, yet again.

Additionally, I didn’t enjoy it when the date tried to show me what to do. Just let me ball, dude. (Do people use the verb “ball” when playing golf? I don’t think they do.) Maybe that was because I just didn’t want him to touch me. Probably a bad sign.

Go into the bathroom if you plan on returning

On this particular Nashville night in February, it was rather cold outside, having flurried a bit earlier in the day. Once we decided that we’d reached our outdoors exposure limit, we returned inside to the bar area where I continued to chug the aforementioned water. Partially needing to use the restroom and partially just wanting to sit on my phone in peace, I found the one that was furthest away so I had more time to text my brother and ask him what my excuse to leave should be.

Not only did the bathroom provide me with an empty space of peace and serenity to unwind after a Topgolf battle for the ages (we didn’t even finish out our time slot), but it was also delightfully warm. My senses were completely shaken — I don’t recall ever being in a bathroom so pleasantly heated like that in my twenty-six years of throwing caution to the wind and having no fear of using public restrooms.

Time flies when you’re having fun, so I may have accidentally stayed in there for a concerning amount of time while my date sat at our table. I didn’t want to seem like a bitch (a word that has never once been used to describe me), so upon my grand return I made sure to gush over the warmth of the bathroom. He had been bitching about the cold more than I had, and he was from MINNESOTA, so surely he understood.

Overall rating: 6.9/10

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