The Quaran-cles II: Ten or Fewer

If you missed the first installment of The Quaran-cles, you can read it here.

Depending on the angle from which you choose to see it (please choose the one where it doesn’t look like I have a quadruple chin), my family is “lucky” that there are “only” seven of us shacking up together for this indefinite corona-tine. While we’ve made it in safely under the “suggested gathering limit” of ten, early indications point to a difficult time staying sane around all of these other humans that are currently sharing my precious air, sustenance, couch space, and hot water. Let’s meet the players:

Dad – 54 years old, orthopedic surgeon, works out almost as much as I did when I was a Division I swimmer. Refuses to eat anything other than ribeye steak and almond butter, which he washes down with a healthy amount of Cabernet. Will probably deplete our meat locker after one week and leave the rest of us scavenging through the endless bags of Doritos and various canned soups.

Mom – 51 years old, runs this shit. Spends most of the day spastically texting her loony younger sister who has been holed up in her Arlington, VA home since March 5, which cannot be good for my mother’s psyche (or my entire house’s) right now. Frequently switches between extreme panic/hysteria and saying that Vanessa Hudgens’ controversial Instagram live video was “kinda true.” Doomsday prepper extraordinaire, purchased a second freezer solely to store all of the Omaha steaks she purchased online three weeks ago (see: meat locker).

Jeff – 44 years old, lives in Los Angeles working in TV production, my mom’s brother and thus, my uncle. Was the stand-in for Dexter Morgan on Dexter, a fun fact that I may be concerned about right now. Once met Lindsay Lohan at a club when I was little and I resented him for not calling me when it happened and putting her on the phone. Saw the inevitable shutdown coming and said “fuck this, I’d rather be in York, PA,” and fled the dumpster that is LA to seek shelter on a hill in the middle of nowhere.

Caroline – a young, spry 25-year-old accounting analyst at a manufacturing plant that makes ceiling tiles, making her the most interesting human in the world. Currently working from home in a corner of the “office” in her parents’ house, where she lives rent-free, even though she is very sassy and drives her parents insane daily. Trying to workout on the old ass treadmill in the basement in the former-gym-turned-storage unit because 2020 was supposed to be “the year she finally shed those extra pounds,” but hasn’t really tried to do that yet. Recently took a trip to Denver and entered a ball pit, two actions that were less than ideal.

Alyssa – 24 years old, unsure of her job title because she’s either at her boyfriend’s, sleeping, or streaming League of Legends until 4 AM. Still being forced to go to work because she’s “not at risk,” regardless of the fact that her poor old parents are. Came home the other night for a change of clothes and instantly wreaked havoc on the noise level in house. Recently took a trip to Boston for a massive nerd convention and another to Florida, where she went to Disney World, some more unwise decisions. The family* is hoping she does not return often.

*I am the only one who has sad this aloud, but I would be stunned if the others were not thinking it.

Jake – 20 years old, sophomore at Penn State/Zoom Online University. Biomedical engineering major, yet largely incapable of preparing food for himself while in the presence of his too-nice parents that he knows will cook the most basic of meals for him. Will not stop requesting to drive to McDonald’s and his friends’ houses, which is not permitted under Mom’s Rona-free home rules. Does not leave his room unless it is to retrieve food from the kitchen. Recently traveled to Cancun for spring break, and probably has every type of disease imaginable. Did not cut his atrocious hair before the trip, and his sister may take scissors to it in the middle of the night now that he cannot go get it cut.

Kobe – 10 years old, the age that we all wish we could be in these uncertain and scary times. Likely does not know what a quarantine or the coronavirus is (actually could not wait for it to arrive), but school is cancelled, so all that currently concerns him is his extra time to play Fortnite and swear at his little friends online. The server is having a hard time keeping up, so he may need to whip out a board game in a few days — another thing that he probably does not understand.

There are seven now, but how many will be standing/molded into the couch by the time we are allowed out of the house?*

*This is not a joke about anyone dying from the Rona, it’s about us killing each other. I’m not trying to be canceled during a time that I can’t even flee the country.