The Quaran-cles I: By The Skin of My Teeth

Hey there, internet friends! I hope you’re all doing well. Not for any particular reason. I just randomly thought maybe some of you would be feeling less than spectacular recently. Perhaps I would be pleasant and wish good things for you, which is totally something that I am accustomed to doing on a regular basis. Just kidding, I’m not that nice. Oh, and the world is ending. I was kidding about my first couple of sentences too.

How am I doing, you ask? Oh, you didn’t ask? Bummer. I am fresh (probably not the most accurate word choice) off of a 4-day trip to Denver, a city that had so many gorgeous, tall, outdoorsy men on Bumble that I legitimately have no choice but to pack up my life one day and move there. It was breathtaking. The city wasn’t too shabby either. If social distancing ever ends, I will be there quickly, and getting very, very close to many of these swipe-rights.

While it was a little strange and probably definitely risky flying across the country on Thursday, the day after Rudy Gobert became the biggest laughing stock of all time and the world as we know it exploded, it was actually a very nice trip. Most of the trendy and popular restaurants my friend showed me had no wait, and I got to see a lot of neat places.

However, not long into my trip, my mom started continued to panic about good ole Rona, and suggested that I fly home a day early on Sunday. Being the asshole I am, I refused to leave my future homeland any earlier than I had planned. Plus, I figured I was contracting airport germs whether they were Sunday morning germs or Monday morning germs. The Sunday morning, post-St. Pat’s bar crawl hangover germs were probably worse. I did my family a favor by toughing out that extra day in my new favorite city.

By the time my plane landed in Baltimore on Monday evening, Trump was on every television in the airport and cities everywhere were being almost completely shut down. I had entered and escaped the Mile High City by the skin of my teeth. Deciding in January to head to Denver on 3/12/20 and leave on 3/16/20 will probably cement this in history as both the most inconveniently yet sort of conveniently planned trip of all time.

While traveling, I attempted to cater to my mom’s hygienic wishes, even though she chose not to make the trip (some would say she has a lot more common sense than me). I wiped down everything I touched with Clorox, hand sanitized like Howie Mandel gone mad, and just generally tried to act as smart as I could while putting myself in one of the dirtiest and germiest places imaginable.

I wish I could blame some of my actions in between those plane rides on the fact that weed is legal in Denver (and I tried my first minuscule pieces of edibles — not to brag), but I had not yet dabbled in the coffee & donuts chocolate when I decided to jump into a ball pit while at the Denver Selfie Museum. Rightfully so, this move I made “for the gram” sent my parents into a downward spiral.


Even worse, my phone fell out of my pants, and I had to scrape the bottom of that cesspool for about five minutes until it was recovered. Was chronicling this adventure with tone-deaf pictures and captions on my Instagram story making me look even worse? For sure. But I’ve never claimed to be good at singing.

I graduated college with a 4.0 in accounting (also not to brag but kind of to brag bc it was fucking hard) and a 3.97 in grad school (asshole tax teacher ruined it), but I am pretty god damn dumb. I regret my actions, even though the picture turned out really wonderfully. It should be noted, however, that we later discovered that these balls are changed out. I am not sure how often, but at least we’re talking better than a McDonald’s Play Place scenario? I digress.

Truth be told, I was one of those morons cracking jokes on twitter every ten minutes about how overblown this coronavirus was. Not exactly shocking if you know me even in the slightest bit. (This is also not to say that we should stop the memes, because they’re incredible, and internet creativity is at an all-time high.) It’s how we cope! It’s okay to make jokes about things that scare you. Plus, 2020 was going to be the year of me “doing shit” and leaving my couch, and now all of this “shit” is cancelled, so I didn’t know what else to say. Sue me, I’m an entitled millennial that was only thinking about herself. That’s why I can’t have a boyfriend. And it’s tooooootally the only reason…

However, I have since seen the light (which was nice for a minute, since now I’m trapped in the darkness of our house “office”), and I’m very much aware of how serious the situation is. I live with my parents, who are some of the healthiest 50-somethings you could possibly find (this is where my mother would like me to say “knock on wood”). But even though my dad has been having his midlife crisis for the past five years and works out more than anyone¬†my age does, and my mother is skinnier and hotter than I am without ever touching a piece of gym equipment, they’re still technically “old,” and killing them with my foolishness is not on my wish list.

I sat across from an elderly couple at the airport on Monday. I’d been slightly paranoid for a couple days, since I had burned my mouth on something so badly that it felt like it was a throat issue. I do not think the 700 pieces of gum I spastically chewed helped with this. Additionally, the altitude change had been severely dehydrating. There was a lot going on in my mouth, and not in any of the fun ways. I had the urge to let out a small cough, looked across at the cute old woman, who smiled at me, and I truly wanted to die. Not because I actually felt sick, but because the severity of the issue had really been starting to hit me. It was time to stop being a selfish piece of shit and start listening to people other than the ones who shared my “who cares, it’s like the flu” opinion.

STAY INSIDE! JUST FREAKING STAY INSIDE! Aren’t we the generation of laziness that just wants to play on social media and ignore all of our friends and family? Isn’t that mostly what we do when we gather in crowds larger than ten people anyway? So now that we are being told to do those things, we are completely incapable? What’s with that? We suck. I’m no expert, and wasn’t even on the right side of history until a few days ago, but I do know that if we don’t come together right now, we could be dealing with this issue for a very long time. And I have a Halsey concert in Denver that I need to attend in late July at Red Rocks.

Have you seen how sick that place looks? Or heard Halsey sing a single note (or at least watched that You Should Be Sad music video)? Let’s get this show on the road, please. Or I will make sure you are feeling much worse than just sorry and sad.