As a woman of the people does, I am here to deliver on my promises! Note: I did not necessarily say which picks or which weekend of XFL games would repay you, so feel free to not keep track of that and just assume that at some point in your life, or however long the XFL lasts before it inevitably folds, this will prove to be a true statement. As of this morning my all time gambling P/L is at an astonishing ($1.60), so you can trust me wholeheartedly. You’re welcome in advance.
So, the XFL. What do I think about it so far? I think it’s something to watch on the weekend when it’s too cold outside to move and you’re too lazy to make plans with anyone. Forget the fact that I do this at all times of the year and just focus on the benefits we are getting during the current season. It’s a respectable time-suck, you can gamble on it, and the commentators even talk about the gambling aspect during the broadcast — hello, NFL, are you listening? Doubtful. You’re too busy ~conveniently~ tweeting out highlight clips every time the XFL is on. No one cares. We have LIVE, bad quarterback play to salivate over attempt to stomach.
Which brings me to my next point… Yes, so far, the quarterbacks have been sub-par to say the least. It’s no coincidence that the two undefeated teams are the only ones with NFL-caliber QBs and that the unders keep hitting. With the exception of future XFL MVP PJ Walker and Cardale “We ain’t come here to play school” Jones, the signal callers in this league have been a bit tough to take seriously.
However — we can’t give up, or the viewership will decline and we will never even give the XFL a chance to pay these guys more than $55,000 a season. One could argue that some of them are so terrible that they should probably find a new field of work, and do not even deserve $55k for their abilities, but if the XFL wants to attract some more top-tier talent, like perhaps a Christian Hackenberg (RIP Memphis Express), this salary level will need to be raised.
KEEP WATCHING, KEEP GAMBLING. WE NEED TO DO OUR PART!
Guy Fieri is, so what puts you above him? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Watch the games, or at least put them on in the background while you go down a TikTok rabbit hole or something.
We have now arrived at the reason I am penning this blog. First and foremost, I am here to continue to support Penn State’s annual dance marathon (THON), where this weekend, 700+ students will dance for 46 hours straight to raise money to fight the battle against childhood cancer. No sleeping, no sitting. Since 1977, THON has raised over $157 million for Four Diamonds at Penn State Children’s Hospital — over $10 million coming in 2019 alone. This year, my brother Jake is the lead THON chair for his fraternity, and you can support him in his efforts by donating here. Together, we can all help thousands of children get the chance to live out their dreams.
In the spirit of raising money and making money, it is time to give out my super-exclusive and profitable picks for this weekend’s riveting slate of XFL action. After two weeks, I have placed bets on seven of the eight games, going 4-3. Don’t ask me about units. I don’t track units. I just throw down whatever amount of money I’m feeling in the moment, which could be why am I a horrible steadily improving gambler. All you need to know is that I have netted a whopping $79.23 on the XFL, which is a perfectly great amount of money to donate to THON. But why stop there?
Houston Roughnecks @ Tampa Bay Vipers
Saturday, Feb. 22 – 2 PM
If you don’t know the name PJ Walker by now, I don’t know what to tell you. The man is electric, and that’s a fact — not an opinion. Through two weeks, he leads the league in passing TDs with 7, which is three more than anyone else, and is also the highest-rated passer. Best of all, he makes throws like this, that remind me of another quarterback I enjoy drooling over from time to time:
That’s pretty much all you need to see before smashing a massive hammer (speaking of Texas quarterbacks — s/o Nick Foles) on Houston -6.5. With the new XFL point-after conversions, and Houston’s propensity to connect on them, this makes this “football number” an even more attractive play.
If you need further convincing, Tampa Bay, on the other hand, stinks. They’ve rolled out three different quarterbacks in two games: Aaron Murray (bad), Taylor Cornelius (what is a Taylor Cornelius?), and Quinton Flowers (also listed at RB & I’m not sure if that’s exciting or concerning). They probably don’t even know who they’re starting yet. Additionally, their offense has yet to score a touchdown. I guess I could keep going but if you haven’t used a year of your kid’s college tuition to take Houston yet then you have even bigger problems than the Vipers’ offense.
Pick: Roughnecks -6.5
Dallas Renegades @ Seattle Dragons
Saturday, Feb. 22 – 5 PM
Not one player on the Seattle Dragons excites me. Offense, defense, special te–…
…
…
…shit, sorry. Fell asleep looking at their depth chart.
On top of that, their color scheme is a bit off-putting to me.
Right? I don’t quite know how to explain it… Something about the really dark blue and the really dark green is just not sitting well. That particular hue of green, man… just don’t approve. It might be because I’ve been taking these “triple-tea fat burner” pills instead of working out, and I don’t totally know what’s in them, but I feel a little queasy staring at these uniforms right now. Maybe that’s why I spent half of last night in the bathroom. Does anyone know what BioPerine Complex is?
Anyway, the only thing Seattle really has going in this game is the fact that they’ll be playing at home at CenturyLink Field, where the Seahawks play. When filled, it’s one of the loudest, most intimidating environments in football, but when you’re only filling the lower bowl, it’s not really the same.
The Dallas Renegades are by no means a wagon, but that Renegade song is really popular on TikTok now, which feels like it should count for at least a couple points in the differential. They’re also trending upwards, going from 267 to 444 yards in the first two weeks, using RB Cameron Artis-Payne to overcome the fact that Landry Jones is their QB. I see them keeping it up this week and covering the spread in their bewitching black and blue combination.
Pick: Renegades -4
New York Guardians @ St. Louis Battlehawks
Sunday, Feb. 23 – 3 PM
As much as it pains me to say this, my Guardians have a quarterback problem.
And this, my guy, certainly did not help anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF.
In case you’re unaware, I attached myself to the Guardians because one of the best PSU QBs of all time, former walk-on Matt McGloin, was supposed to be their lord and savior at the helm of the offensive attack. Turns out, he and his QBR of 10.1 last week have been offensive in a different way than previously planned…
You:
vs. the guy she told you not to worry about:
I assume the Guardians will be rolling out either McGloin or former Tarheel Marquise Williams on Sunday, but either way, I’m not racing to put any of my faith in a team who scored a whopping zero points last week. However, 10 also feels like too big of a number to entrust in Jordan Ta’amu, whose point differential is currently +2.
To be quite honest, I have no idea what the hell this game is going to look like. I thought McGloin was XFL MVP week one and going to get cut before he got on the bus week two. With the lowest point total of any game this weekend (40) I don’t feel comfortable making any picks right now. As I have a couple of times betting XFL, I have waited for the game to start and placed a live bet based on what I saw unfolding, going a pristine 2-0. I think this is the safest move.
Pick: None, but will probably live bet, so check the Twitter machine for updates. If you’re not able to live bet and simply MUST have action of every game, my gut says under 40.5, so do with that what you please and don’t kill me if it’s a loser because I did not take it.
**Breaking news: just saw that the Battlehawks are members of the #ZillArmy. They may win by a thousand zillion. This is not an official pick. I’m just saying.
DC Defenders @ Los Angeles Wildcats
Sunday, Feb. 23 – 6 PM
As I mentioned above, the undefeated DC Defenders are one of two teams with a quarterback that has potential to leap back into the NFL ranks. Their defense has also played at a high level, posting a shut-out through their last five quarters of play.
The Wildcats, on the other hand, are exactly what you think of when you think of Los Angeles, right? The City of Angels, and WILDCATS! No. This mascot is to be used for East High in High School Musical, and nowhere else. Well, I guess it’s fine at Kansas State, but that’s in Kansas. Not Hollywood. We ain’t come here to play SCHOOL. This is a professional football team. I hate everything about it.
Not only does this team have the dumbest and most basic bitch-ass mascot ever (I can say this because it was the same as my high school in bumblefuck Pennsylvania), but they’re a mess on the field too. So far, they have fired their defensive coordinator after one game, averaged 17.5 points per outing, and their only player that gets the blood flowing is a receiver named Nelson Spruce. Did you know there’s a company called Nelson Treehouses? I smell a very weird sponsorship coming if he keeps this up!
I see the Defenders jumping out ahead early then getting bored and slowing down, like they did with the Guardians last week. That’s right, you can still hit that under that we all love to hate so much in the XFL.
Picks: Defenders 1H -4.5, Under 44
Happy XFLing and please don’t forget to donate!
“When they say ‘We Are Penn State,’ this is what they are talking about.”
Sup Caroline? 