Well, well, well… look what we have here. According to my calculations (which you have to trust, since I’m an accountant), it’s been a whole three weeks since I last penned a college football gambling blog. I know what you’re probably thinking — “Well thank god, you suck at gambling and shouldn’t be dishing out advice on it.”
And you wouldn’t be wrong, usually.
Somehow, however, my college picks have done surprisingly well this year! I will not be doing the math to obtain my actual record, since counting three weeks was enough for today, but I know it’s been serviceable. Saturdays are not where you should take umbrage with my poor gambling skills. The true problems that unravel and send me down a deep, dark hole of despair arrive when I lose everything on the NFL and other sports I know nothing about during the other six days of the week. Do I even know anything about the NFL at this point? The data suggests that I’ve never seen a game in my life. How many more times will I play with fire before I realize that burns are now a part of my life?
Additionally, the data clearly lays out that the gambling hole I am in could have paid for my fancy ass new AirPods, and then some, which really slapped me in the face last week. Like, what the hell am I doing? Who do I think I am? Why did I think this was going to be a profitable habit after starting 2-0 on two ten dollar bets in August? Do I even have any common sense? Am I just book smart? Why did I even go to college? How does my employer trust me to do a good job? WHO TOLD ME THAT GAMBLING AWAY MY AIRPOD MONEY WAS GOING TO BE FUN?!
BECAUSE BREAD MAKES ME FAT, KAREN!
…sorry. It’s been awhile, remember? I haven’t given myself an outlet to unleash my stress and I’m piling it all on you this morning when you’re just trying to get excited for an enormous slate of college football. Again, sincerest apologies. Let’s move on. You don’t need this. I’ll just start drinking alone in the basement. That’ll fix it.
Let’s get to my undeniably pristine picks, shall we?
#4 Penn State @ #17 Minnesota, 12:00 PM
BIG NUDE SATURDAY! Well, not actually, because this isn’t one of the “Big Noon” games that Fox has been annoying people with, as it’s actually on ABC, but I just like exclaiming “BIG NUDE SATURDAY” for fun. Maybe I’ll watch it nude. None of you would know. Jk, my basement is cold and I’m a sissy with uncomfortable temperatures.
Anyway, did you see that #4 up there? Pretty nice huh?
Before you start yelling at me about how it means nothing and/or how Ohio State is going to tear us in half and/or Clemson is going to end up in the playoff regardless, think to yourself — “Hm, Caroline is obsessed with football, and Penn State is her entire life and sole purpose for existence. Do I think maybe she’s heard some of this before I decided to tell her? Perhaps my opinion is not new, original, or thoughtful?” Then, promptly close your mouth or remove your hands from the keyboard. You’re not special. Sorry, your mom lied.
To me, all that #4 means is that Penn State has gotten some respect, so I’m happy. Minnesota, on the other hand, was bumped down four spots by the committee, and Penn State is about to show why. They are the prime definition of “ain’t played nobody, PAWWWWWWL.”
Although they have vastly improved from their first few games against trash teams, I still can’t say all those points they’ve let up is scaring me in the least. Or the fact that every conference opponent played a second or third-string QB for a significant portion of the game. What’s their signature win? Illinois? Who knows. They have an explosive offense and disastrous special teams to pair with this defense. Woo-wee. Guess what Penn State has?
Normally, stats are for losers, but this one favors my team, so it’s legitimate. That’s how that works.
Don’t overthink it. This is not the Penn State team that loses stupid games in years’ past, and they prove it to me every single week, even when I have hesitations. They’re just the better team.
A touchdown? That’s all? After a bye week? (I don’t care that Minnesota also had one.) 11 AM game with no one in the stands? You kidding me? In the words of our ferocious linebackers, “It’s reeeeeeal simple.” Penn State -6.5
Maryland @ #1 Ohio State, 12:00 PM
Speaking of overthinking, we aren’t doing it here either. Maryland is addicted to getting blown out. I won’t judge — human beings all need a vice or two. The Twerps like when their rude fans talk major shit and they subsequently lose football games by multiple scores. That’s fine, everyone has to get theirs somehow.
(Perhaps this has changed since Penn State blew their doors off in Week 4 after random chicks were screaming at me and giving me fingers — I will update the log if someone proves this to be true, but I won’t forget how embarrassing that was for them.)
Fan behavior aside, the team itself still reeks of sadness and failure. Ohio State is fresh off a sweet new #1 ranking, and I don’t expect them to let off of the gas for any reason. If anything, they’ll likely be out to prove that regardless of what happens in the Bama-LSU game, they still deserve the top spot. Plus, this is the real BIG NUDE SATURDAY, and Maryland’s gonna get undressed. Ohio State -43.5
#2 LSU @ #3 Alabama, 3:30 PM
Shout-out to the committee for ruining our potential #1 vs. #2 match-up and to CBS for stealing the game for its mid-afternoon time slot when we wanted a night game. Why can’t we ever have nice things? Probably because we gamble. It’s likely that simple of an answer.
Here in front of us, we have what will probably be the biggest regular season game of the year. Penn State and Ohio State will play in two weeks, but as we know, everyone has already determined that one to be a blowout, so I guess I can’t say that one will be any good. Even though everyone is enraged that it’s been announced as a noon game, like it might be good or something. And Penn State won in 2016 and has lost by two combined points the past two years. And is a better team this year. But yeah, blowout city on deck!!!
Whoops, forgot who we’re talking about. My bad, soooo sorry!
This game is going to be a delight. Because of that, I can’t pick a side. It’s too hard, and I just want to enjoy it, regardless of the outcome. That being said, we still have to bet on it, so we’re going with the point total.
I’m sure it comes as a surprise to absolutely no one that nine of the last ten meetings between Bama and LSU have gone under, and the tenth hit the over by a point.
9-6, forever in our hearts.
This year, they say, this year is going to be different. For the most part, I agree. Stop me if you’ve heard this before, but Alabama is an offensive juggernaut. **stopped** Stop me if you’ve heard this before, but LSU is also an offensive juggernaut.
…so I’m free to continue?
Yeah, LSU has a QB, it’s weird, and it’s awesome. Additionally, unlike previous years, neither team has the stout defense that we’re used to seeing. Sounds like a game for the over, right? Not so fast, my friends!
As it stands, the point total is at 63. Absurdly high for an LSU-Bama game. And yet, everyone is still going to take it, because it seems possible for once, and overs are FUN! But you know what else is fun? Being your own damn person, and also winning money. Both teams are coming off byes, and have had two weeks to prepare for the offenses they’re about to see. You don’t think these guys are smart enough to slow each other down a bit? How healthy is Tua, anyway? Never fear — 31-28 can still be a wild ride for all of us. Under 62.5
P.S. Geaux Tiguhs.
#5 Clemson @ NC State, 7:30 PM
We were denied LSU-Bama, but never fear, ABC is bringing us the #5 team tomorrow night! Up against… the pathetic NC State. Sick. However, the biggest related storyline coming into this game has nothing to do with the Wolfpack whatsoever. Not to make everything about Penn State, even though I love making everything about Penn State, but this is all I’ve heard since Tuesday.
Is Penn State actually better than Clemson? Well, I don’t know. Okay? It doesn’t really matter, and Dabo prefers that you think “yes,” so that his team can go out and burn everything its path as it walks into a top-four spot by December. Disrespect? Loves it. I’ll take a wild guess that he doesn’t mind getting to see NC State tomorrow as his team lets out some of their anger. This spread we’ve been served isn’t enough to feed the hunger that this team is feeling this week. Man, when did gambling get so easy? Clemson -33
All favorites and an under, eh Caroline? How uncharacteristically boring of me. Luckily, I see most of tomorrow being anything but. Have happy and profitable Saturday, my loyal constituents.
Sup Caroline? 